"If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here
If I was all the colors I would paint you pretty in gold in a picture"
I'm starting to feel like life is about luck. It's not fair or reasonable. There is a myriad of events that connect in the most absurd way. I feel more lost and chaotic when I try and figure why things happen. So is denial better? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of worrying about my family and friends. Not because it's burdensome but because I feel like they don't deserve it, this bad luck of theirs. I wish I could love enough, be strong enough, be practical enough, successful enough, selfless enough for both of us. But I can merely be here to listen and give you what I have though it may not be enough or even much it all.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
0% Interest
Our friends on the front porch, well they're telling jokes and they swing swiftly towards happier times
Expending lines and finding more energy for the effort and getting distance from that front porch spotlight
But us we found peace in shadows, long enough to see the monsters rise
Candy's got some space to fill in her daydream living high on yesterday's lies
Talking to me about some 0% interest and, how she got a better deal than the next guy
And the way the lightning shocked us when we were lost and we were looking
Down that long Missouri highway your hair was longer then and now I can remember
Say now I remember oh so well
Oh the roads unencumbered by cats they're burning like wet matches through my miracle mile mind
You left your thumb print inside me now for months it seems but mine only brushes your soft surface
And somehow
Somehow it leaves me listless, my tongue curls under my lips oh oh yes
So I can't speak to tell you of the months before I met you
And the way, oh the truth it locked us
Oh right about the time after the lightning shocked us
When we were young, when we were young and missing
Round that small New England byway our lives they were sheltered then and now I can remember
Say now well I remember oh so well, almost too well
Well its not even being about that anymore I gotta get you down
Those tiny fragments of perfection they please me in a time
Unchanged when its not the same beginning or along awaited end...
If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here
If I was all the colors I would paint you pretty in gold in a picture, so I'm told little sister
So now I'm sold little sister
Why don't you tell me about the sunsets in Sweden and the laws of Eden
And how you were the rock of Gibraltar, and how they called you foxy
Well that's another whole box of pandora's, that's another whole box of them ties
Slide your foot off the gas before we crash right back into the median
Right back into the median, the median lo-oh
It separates, our house from the middle of the street...
It separates our house from the middle of the street
Talking about our house
Is on the front porch telling jokes and they swing swiftly towards happier times
Expending lines and finding more energy for the effort and getting distance from that front porch
Spotlight
But us we found peace in shadows long enough to see a monster die.
We all need to find a little space in our daydreams long enough and just so long.
Long enough, just as long, just so long as its long enough is it long enough?
Is it long enough for me? Long enough for me to chew on.
If it isn't... if it isn't .. if it ain't if it don't if it can't then it wont.
And that's just the way that it goes.
Expending lines and finding more energy for the effort and getting distance from that front porch spotlight
But us we found peace in shadows, long enough to see the monsters rise
Candy's got some space to fill in her daydream living high on yesterday's lies
Talking to me about some 0% interest and, how she got a better deal than the next guy
And the way the lightning shocked us when we were lost and we were looking
Down that long Missouri highway your hair was longer then and now I can remember
Say now I remember oh so well
Oh the roads unencumbered by cats they're burning like wet matches through my miracle mile mind
You left your thumb print inside me now for months it seems but mine only brushes your soft surface
And somehow
Somehow it leaves me listless, my tongue curls under my lips oh oh yes
So I can't speak to tell you of the months before I met you
And the way, oh the truth it locked us
Oh right about the time after the lightning shocked us
When we were young, when we were young and missing
Round that small New England byway our lives they were sheltered then and now I can remember
Say now well I remember oh so well, almost too well
Well its not even being about that anymore I gotta get you down
Those tiny fragments of perfection they please me in a time
Unchanged when its not the same beginning or along awaited end...
If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here
If I was all the colors I would paint you pretty in gold in a picture, so I'm told little sister
So now I'm sold little sister
Why don't you tell me about the sunsets in Sweden and the laws of Eden
And how you were the rock of Gibraltar, and how they called you foxy
Well that's another whole box of pandora's, that's another whole box of them ties
Slide your foot off the gas before we crash right back into the median
Right back into the median, the median lo-oh
It separates, our house from the middle of the street...
It separates our house from the middle of the street
Talking about our house
Is on the front porch telling jokes and they swing swiftly towards happier times
Expending lines and finding more energy for the effort and getting distance from that front porch
Spotlight
But us we found peace in shadows long enough to see a monster die.
We all need to find a little space in our daydreams long enough and just so long.
Long enough, just as long, just so long as its long enough is it long enough?
Is it long enough for me? Long enough for me to chew on.
If it isn't... if it isn't .. if it ain't if it don't if it can't then it wont.
And that's just the way that it goes.
If All is Grounded You Should Go Make a Mountain Out of It
I saw a psychic on Saturday. She was good. I was skeptical but she said too much, knew too much. She wasn't right about a couple things, but what she knew was just eerie. She told me that my heart was empty. Which although true made me sad and how pointedly she said it. And then she started discussing a man from my past and how I started talking to him again. I thought she was talking about Dan and I told her that even though we go through the whole talking, not talking thing, I hadn't spoke to him in over a month. She gave me this skeptical look and said, "Are you sure you haven't been texting him?" and I said no, but she didn't believe me. So she told me if he called me in the next two days to not answer, not see him. At least for the next two days. She said he was going to contact me and try and come back again in my life. So I said okay, not really thinking it was true.
She also said there's been a separation from a female friend. To which I told her that there hasn't been any falling out. She said, "that doesn't mean you're not growing apart or that your relationship is not what it used to be". Which makes me sad because I feel like that's true. I don't want to grow apart. She also asked me why I didn't move or apply for a job that I wanted. I knew exactly what she meant. There was this job in LA working as an assistant for a designer or something, I forget all the details now. But I thought about applying. I looked at a lot of jobs in LA for awhile before I got this job at Delta. I dreamed of moving down there and starting over and taking a big chance. But I didn't do it, I was too scared. She said I'm stuck. That I go do my job but it's not what I want to do long term and I need to take a chance. Blah, I hypervenilate a bit when I think about it. I wish I was braver. She knew a few other things too, it was an incredible experience really. To have a stranger tell you what you've tried to ignore.
Oh, the best part is this, when I was driving home Andy texted me. He and I haven't seen each other in over 2 years. We always try and make plans, but never see each other. We go through phases where we IM and text and then nothing for awhile and repeat this pattern. We've been talking the past month again. Anyway, he texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to have coffee the next day. I said yes and couldn't believe we were finally going to see each other after so long. We chatted a bit more and it's when he said, "I'm stepping up to the plate here and trying to make an effort to make this work" that I realized, she wasn't talking about Dan she was talking about Andy. I couldn't believe it. I told him that I couldn't see him, I just realized she was talking about him and not Dan. He understood but told me that he has been planning on meditating and cutting off social contact until after his birthday November 10th and that Sunday was his last day he could see me. Which means that the 2 days the psychic asked me not to see him would extend another 6 weeks or so.
Have you just ever felt fate fall into place? How the chain of events of me seeing the psychic and her telling me not to see him could change who knows what. I just know that I did the right thing not seeing him. I wonder what would have happened though if I had. What is my alternate course of events I'm preventing?
She also said there's been a separation from a female friend. To which I told her that there hasn't been any falling out. She said, "that doesn't mean you're not growing apart or that your relationship is not what it used to be". Which makes me sad because I feel like that's true. I don't want to grow apart. She also asked me why I didn't move or apply for a job that I wanted. I knew exactly what she meant. There was this job in LA working as an assistant for a designer or something, I forget all the details now. But I thought about applying. I looked at a lot of jobs in LA for awhile before I got this job at Delta. I dreamed of moving down there and starting over and taking a big chance. But I didn't do it, I was too scared. She said I'm stuck. That I go do my job but it's not what I want to do long term and I need to take a chance. Blah, I hypervenilate a bit when I think about it. I wish I was braver. She knew a few other things too, it was an incredible experience really. To have a stranger tell you what you've tried to ignore.
Oh, the best part is this, when I was driving home Andy texted me. He and I haven't seen each other in over 2 years. We always try and make plans, but never see each other. We go through phases where we IM and text and then nothing for awhile and repeat this pattern. We've been talking the past month again. Anyway, he texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to have coffee the next day. I said yes and couldn't believe we were finally going to see each other after so long. We chatted a bit more and it's when he said, "I'm stepping up to the plate here and trying to make an effort to make this work" that I realized, she wasn't talking about Dan she was talking about Andy. I couldn't believe it. I told him that I couldn't see him, I just realized she was talking about him and not Dan. He understood but told me that he has been planning on meditating and cutting off social contact until after his birthday November 10th and that Sunday was his last day he could see me. Which means that the 2 days the psychic asked me not to see him would extend another 6 weeks or so.
Have you just ever felt fate fall into place? How the chain of events of me seeing the psychic and her telling me not to see him could change who knows what. I just know that I did the right thing not seeing him. I wonder what would have happened though if I had. What is my alternate course of events I'm preventing?
Monday, September 22, 2008
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
So I googled my name (don't ask) and found this link. People can buy shirts that say 'Micaela is NOT my friend'. So apparently someone with the same name as me (I'm assuming it's not about me!) has pissed someone off so much that they decided to have shirts available for those who hate her. That's kind of intense.
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/micaela-is-not-my-friend-womens-long-sleeve-dark/132313963
http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/micaela-is-not-my-friend-womens-long-sleeve-dark/132313963
Friday, September 19, 2008
Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day
10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
1. Prepare to be boarded.
9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down?
And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
1. Prepare to be boarded.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
I am High Fidelity
"People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands--literally thousands--of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives."
I started reading High Fidelity yesterday. I have less than 50 pages to go. I highly recommend this book, especially to those who use music as a way of gauging your life and a way to express your current state of mind. I watched the movie years ago (I do love John Cusack) and I thought maybe I should read the book. I was surprised to know it's set in England; apart from that, the movie has done it justice actually. The title character, if you haven't seen the movie or read the book, makes compilation tapes whenever some event happens in his life. His girlfriend leaving him, meeting a new woman, whatever. And I realize I do this myself. I have a section of mix CDs that I used to make whenever I had some event happen to me. I have ones that I have made friends, ones that I have made for guys I liked, ones that I made when guys I like didn't like me, or upset me, or I stopped talking to someone, whatever you get the point.
Sometimes I like to pick up say the one I made when I was going to drive for the first time alone from Sacramento to Stockton. It was raining and I was terrified to drive that far by myself in such weather. Now it seems silly, it's a short distance and I made it fine. But I didn't know my way around and it feels like forever ago and not just 5 years. But it's filled with acoustic songs that I still love though haven't listened to in probably 4 1/2 years. I still make mix CDs, and play them over and over again until I make the next.
What really got me with the above paragraph is how close it hits home. I've been often told that I listen to the most depressing music. My mom often asks me why I like to make myself sad. But I don't see it this way. I am attracted to the passion and emotion that these songs possess, so what if they're sad? But has a lifetime of pop music attributed to the way I view relationships? During the past year, whenever I listen to my friends talk about boy or girl troubles, or whatever, I have to preface my advice or my perspective with a warning. I have come to realize that I'm rather jaded. Have events in my past attributed to this? Well of course they have! I've been lied to, cheated on, hurt, rejected, felt unloved, felt invisible...seeing relationships through my mothers eyes has left me convinced that unhealthy relationships are the norm.
But pop music has been my friend. My hope that there are people that love unconditionally and openly and freely. That would love me despite my craziness and jealousy and stubbornness, that would love me because of it on some level. And I embrace the sad songs because it's nice to know that other people hurt too. I cry along to Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah', Ani DiFranco's 'Done Wrong', The Wrecker's 'Cigarettes', Rachael Yamagata's 'Sunday Afternoon' or Kelly Clarkson's 'Sober'. I find it to be cathartic, not depressing. But has it added to me becoming so jaded?
I meet someone and they've sparked an interest in me and I suddenly become two different people. One is hopeful and excited and the other is negative and expects to be rejected. Don't want to get my hopes up because if it doesn't work out, how disappointing will that be? And in High Fidelity, the lead character basically tells his ex the same thing. He tells her he cheated on her because when he would lay in bed with her and feel absolute happiness he would panic and wonder how he would deal with losing her. He sabotaged his perfectly healthy relationship because he knew that they'd either break up or one of them would die. So what's the point in being happy when it will have to end? And in some sick way, I get that. I feel that way myself.
My mom called me and said her ex husband called and wanted to have lunch and she didn't know what she would do. I asked her if it was worth losing him again for a brief time of happiness with him, and she couldn't answer. Isn't that what it's all about? The question of, is it worth it to stick it out in relationships that are broken or dying if there's a chance that things could get back right again? Or should you just move on and look for something that works. Something that clicks. Do you hope the boy you just met and get butterflies when you think about, that he'll be worth it all one day. Will he be better than something dysfunctional now, could he be functional? Or is he simply a friend, or a transitional period in your life until you find the next boy that gives you butterflies?
Maybe I should learn to be more optimistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Who knows, maybe I give him butterflies too.
I started reading High Fidelity yesterday. I have less than 50 pages to go. I highly recommend this book, especially to those who use music as a way of gauging your life and a way to express your current state of mind. I watched the movie years ago (I do love John Cusack) and I thought maybe I should read the book. I was surprised to know it's set in England; apart from that, the movie has done it justice actually. The title character, if you haven't seen the movie or read the book, makes compilation tapes whenever some event happens in his life. His girlfriend leaving him, meeting a new woman, whatever. And I realize I do this myself. I have a section of mix CDs that I used to make whenever I had some event happen to me. I have ones that I have made friends, ones that I have made for guys I liked, ones that I made when guys I like didn't like me, or upset me, or I stopped talking to someone, whatever you get the point.
Sometimes I like to pick up say the one I made when I was going to drive for the first time alone from Sacramento to Stockton. It was raining and I was terrified to drive that far by myself in such weather. Now it seems silly, it's a short distance and I made it fine. But I didn't know my way around and it feels like forever ago and not just 5 years. But it's filled with acoustic songs that I still love though haven't listened to in probably 4 1/2 years. I still make mix CDs, and play them over and over again until I make the next.
What really got me with the above paragraph is how close it hits home. I've been often told that I listen to the most depressing music. My mom often asks me why I like to make myself sad. But I don't see it this way. I am attracted to the passion and emotion that these songs possess, so what if they're sad? But has a lifetime of pop music attributed to the way I view relationships? During the past year, whenever I listen to my friends talk about boy or girl troubles, or whatever, I have to preface my advice or my perspective with a warning. I have come to realize that I'm rather jaded. Have events in my past attributed to this? Well of course they have! I've been lied to, cheated on, hurt, rejected, felt unloved, felt invisible...seeing relationships through my mothers eyes has left me convinced that unhealthy relationships are the norm.
But pop music has been my friend. My hope that there are people that love unconditionally and openly and freely. That would love me despite my craziness and jealousy and stubbornness, that would love me because of it on some level. And I embrace the sad songs because it's nice to know that other people hurt too. I cry along to Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah', Ani DiFranco's 'Done Wrong', The Wrecker's 'Cigarettes', Rachael Yamagata's 'Sunday Afternoon' or Kelly Clarkson's 'Sober'. I find it to be cathartic, not depressing. But has it added to me becoming so jaded?
I meet someone and they've sparked an interest in me and I suddenly become two different people. One is hopeful and excited and the other is negative and expects to be rejected. Don't want to get my hopes up because if it doesn't work out, how disappointing will that be? And in High Fidelity, the lead character basically tells his ex the same thing. He tells her he cheated on her because when he would lay in bed with her and feel absolute happiness he would panic and wonder how he would deal with losing her. He sabotaged his perfectly healthy relationship because he knew that they'd either break up or one of them would die. So what's the point in being happy when it will have to end? And in some sick way, I get that. I feel that way myself.
My mom called me and said her ex husband called and wanted to have lunch and she didn't know what she would do. I asked her if it was worth losing him again for a brief time of happiness with him, and she couldn't answer. Isn't that what it's all about? The question of, is it worth it to stick it out in relationships that are broken or dying if there's a chance that things could get back right again? Or should you just move on and look for something that works. Something that clicks. Do you hope the boy you just met and get butterflies when you think about, that he'll be worth it all one day. Will he be better than something dysfunctional now, could he be functional? Or is he simply a friend, or a transitional period in your life until you find the next boy that gives you butterflies?
Maybe I should learn to be more optimistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Who knows, maybe I give him butterflies too.
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