I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~Pablo Neruda

Say Something Funny, Say Something Sweet...

Have you ever had a problem controlling the words coming out of your mouth? I find that too often I say something and immediately regret it. Not that I didn't mean it, but I know that I probably shouldn't have said it. Too honest, at least my own view of honesty. And then there are those times that my insides are screaming what I SHOULD say, what would be warranted to say. But I sit there, silent. I think I regret more the things I don't say more than the stuff I shouldn't have said.

I'm thankful for a lot of things, some materialistic, some unneccessary, some ridiculous and some irreplaceable. Some are new things in my life, new people more specifically. I'm thankful for the time I get to spend in your presence, it's doing wonders for me if you didn't know.

Details in the Fabric

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same

Haven't posted for almost 6 months. It's not that I've had nothing to say. I've started quite a few blog entries, only to close them out before posting them. I feel like my thoughts are jumbled, an incoherent mess. I can definitely say there are new things going on now since 6 months ago.

I left my last job, which was the best decision for me. I miss some of the people but I really do love my job now. Sure there are days when it's slow and I wish I had more to do, but they keep saying, "wait until summer's over, you'll be so busy. enjoy your time now" which both scares and excites me. I definitely look forward to that crazy busy stress high that I haven't had for a while.

The family could be better. I feel like everyone's struggling right now and I can't fix it and that's hard to accept. I worry about my mom and if she's okay, and I hate that she's sad. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with her sadness when I have my own.

I've been going to improv shows every week for the last month. It's been good to just have a couple hours of laughter in my life where I'm not worrying, overthinking, stressing, etc. It also makes me miss performing a hell of a lot.

I feel like there's more I want to say but I'm not ready. I started a blogspot journal but haven't posted anything yet, it's elaeuphoria.blogspot.com. It's the same user name as my live journal account as well. So that's it, hopefully I'll get better at posting more than bi-annually!