Wishin' and Hopin'

I finally downloaded an app from the android market so I could blog from my phone! Now I can blog from bed! So there's some new crush material in my life which is fun and makes me giddy. I just need to make sure I have a handle on the whole perspective and practicality of the whole situation

A Girl Could Get Lost

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

The second of my resolutions for this year is to travel as often and as far as I can. I want to get myself out of the comfortable zone of my hometown (and by extension, Sacramento) and really see what there is out there to be worth finding.

Since I was a little girl I've always wanted to travel to Europe. Spain, England, Ireland, France, Scotland, Italy. I find these places beckoning to me and I want to answer their call. I'd also love to travel to New York, Boston, Chicago and back to D.C. at some point. It all seems lofty now, but I figure if I am determined enough I can make sure it happens.

I'm a follower of Jason Mraz's blog and before new years he wrote of how you should put out into the universe what you want for the upcoming year. He suggests that if you want to travel then you should be traveling when the new year begins. I decided that in effort to show the universe just how serious I was, I did just that. Although I didn't travel somewhere new, I made sure we were already on our way when the clock struck 12. It was a wonderful feeling and I felt like this year is going to bring great things to me, if I only open myself up to them.

So here's to new adventures, I hope you come with me for one of them.

Knows This for Sure...

"Most human beings are inescapably alone, and therein lies their tragedy."

I've never been one for relationships. I would say I'm pretty closely guarded when it comes to falling in love with someone or even opening myself up to the possibility. Which is probably strange when thinking of how I am with friends. I love my friends, all of them. I meet someone and make a connection and almost instantly make a little place for them in my heart. Time can pass without seeing one another and it won't matter; I'll still have that space that comes alive when I'm with them. Maybe I am so easy to love my friends to balance my aversion to any sort of romantic love.

I think this aspect of my personality can get me into trouble though. People mistake my friendship love for something more. This coupled with my affectionate behavior and fondness for flirting can make things even more misconstrued. But the truth is that I don't let people get that close because I don't want to be hurt. Don't get me wrong, I get crushes all the time and sometimes I realize that they are more of a friend then someone I would want to love. I've only loved, or at least come close to loving, two people and they both had a lot of similarities. I am determined not to have the same kind of love again. I don't want it and I don't need it.

My father has been a bachelor since my parents divorced 13+ years ago and I don't think that will ever change. He is content in his independence. My mother is quite possibly the exact polar opposite. She has been married 4 times and I'm sure will marry again. She is unhappily codependent.

This mix of mother and father has left me quite fucked up, frankly. I see how hard breakups affect my mother. I hate that she seeks validation from men and gives them way too much power over her. Not feeling worthy, beautiful, smart, interesting, whatever...unless it's seen in the reflection of someone else. I hate that sometimes I get that way when I like a guy. I hate that I become a warped version of myself in order to make someone like "me". But it isn't me, is it? It's this distorted version of me that I want to pass off as something worth wanting.

This may be the worst part of the year to be single and it makes me melancholy when I focus too much on it, so I try and remember why I like being single. I like my independence and I like that I don't have to have the same stupid fight over and over again or feel like I need to see/hear/touch someone in order to keep me sane. All I need is me right now, and that's okay.

Revolutionary Road

I just finished reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. It was heart-breakingly beautiful. I think it's kind of messed my mind up and put me in a melancholy state; but I still highly recommend it.

I wanted to read it before the movie comes out in a couple weeks and I'm glad I did. I always feel like books are the superior counterpart in any book vs. film debate. How can you ever compare a constructed visual with your own imagination? And I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to commit myself to an even sadder version of this story if I saw the movie first.

Yates is amazing in how he describes only what is necessary for the scene without giving you the obvious. I loved it and I can't wait until the movie comes out. I think both Kate & Leo will be brilliant.