Letters from Micaela-Halloween Edition

Dear girls who think ‘slutty’ qualifies as a Halloween costume,

Yes, Halloween lets you be as openly slutty as you want and you can just pass it off as your ‘costume’. Slutty nurse, slutty flight attendant, slutty cop, etc. But let’s be honest here girls. Those of you whom are dressed as slutty versions of otherwise wholesome occupations aren’t really stretching the imagination now are you? I get it; you want guys to become instantly aroused by the sight of your partially dressed bodies. But come on ladies, there are less trashy ways of letting guys know you are easy. And with guys it’s not that difficult to get that point across. So maybe you can work on subtlety or more creative costume ideas next year.



Dear undecided voter,

Seriously? Undecided…seriously? How is this possible with the election just a few days away? Obama and McCain couldn’t be more different from each other. And if you can’t see that, maybe it’s better if you just stay home this time.

p.s.

Hey Joe (or should I say Samuel?) the ‘plumber’,
I hear you want to write a book and maybe go into politics. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that you may write a book or that people may actually buy it. Yes you’ve had a great ride as a campaign prop for the Repubs but you didn’t even show up at McCain’s rally yesterday. You don’t seem to be doing a lot of plumbing these days, how do you ever expect to make over $250,000 plumbing this way?


Dear Britney Spears,

You’re doing a great job, keep up the progress!


Dear MAC Cosmetic girls who answer the phone,

Stop being bitches. Seriously. I pay way too much for your merchandise, the last thing I need is your lip. Benefit is right next to you and they are much friendlier. I’m just saying.


Dear Saturday Night Live,

I’m crushed that Amy Poehler is not returning to SNL, she was always hilarious and great on Weekend Update. Yes Seth Meyers can handle it on his own but hopefully they’ll give him another co-anchor soon. But here’s the deal, you’re now down to only two women on the show. I know it’s always been a fucked up ratio of men to women on SNL but it’s now 8-2. Come on! With Tina Fey, Julia Louis Dreyfus, Molly Shannon and Amy’s sitcom to start early next year, it’s clear that the women of SNL are dominating comedies on TV these days. Why not get moving on finding some more? There needs to be some balance.

p.s.

Please start being funnier more often. After Tuesday there won’t be any need for Tina to come back and do Palin and then what will you have?

p.p.s.

Andy Samberg you’re on notice. Start making better digital shorts. I understand not everything can be a ‘Dick in a Box’ or ‘Lazy Sunday’ but stop phoning some of these in.

p.p.p.s.

Have Britney host when her CD comes out. Even the naysayers have to admit her two times hosting were hilarious. All that MMC breeding did well for her and she’s the come back of the year. Don’t be dicks.

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangcock to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark