I am High Fidelity

"People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands--literally thousands--of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives."

I started reading High Fidelity yesterday. I have less than 50 pages to go. I highly recommend this book, especially to those who use music as a way of gauging your life and a way to express your current state of mind. I watched the movie years ago (I do love John Cusack) and I thought maybe I should read the book. I was surprised to know it's set in England; apart from that, the movie has done it justice actually. The title character, if you haven't seen the movie or read the book, makes compilation tapes whenever some event happens in his life. His girlfriend leaving him, meeting a new woman, whatever. And I realize I do this myself. I have a section of mix CDs that I used to make whenever I had some event happen to me. I have ones that I have made friends, ones that I have made for guys I liked, ones that I made when guys I like didn't like me, or upset me, or I stopped talking to someone, whatever you get the point.

Sometimes I like to pick up say the one I made when I was going to drive for the first time alone from Sacramento to Stockton. It was raining and I was terrified to drive that far by myself in such weather. Now it seems silly, it's a short distance and I made it fine. But I didn't know my way around and it feels like forever ago and not just 5 years. But it's filled with acoustic songs that I still love though haven't listened to in probably 4 1/2 years. I still make mix CDs, and play them over and over again until I make the next.

What really got me with the above paragraph is how close it hits home. I've been often told that I listen to the most depressing music. My mom often asks me why I like to make myself sad. But I don't see it this way. I am attracted to the passion and emotion that these songs possess, so what if they're sad? But has a lifetime of pop music attributed to the way I view relationships? During the past year, whenever I listen to my friends talk about boy or girl troubles, or whatever, I have to preface my advice or my perspective with a warning. I have come to realize that I'm rather jaded. Have events in my past attributed to this? Well of course they have! I've been lied to, cheated on, hurt, rejected, felt unloved, felt invisible...seeing relationships through my mothers eyes has left me convinced that unhealthy relationships are the norm.

But pop music has been my friend. My hope that there are people that love unconditionally and openly and freely. That would love me despite my craziness and jealousy and stubbornness, that would love me because of it on some level. And I embrace the sad songs because it's nice to know that other people hurt too. I cry along to Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah', Ani DiFranco's 'Done Wrong', The Wrecker's 'Cigarettes', Rachael Yamagata's 'Sunday Afternoon' or Kelly Clarkson's 'Sober'. I find it to be cathartic, not depressing. But has it added to me becoming so jaded?

I meet someone and they've sparked an interest in me and I suddenly become two different people. One is hopeful and excited and the other is negative and expects to be rejected. Don't want to get my hopes up because if it doesn't work out, how disappointing will that be? And in High Fidelity, the lead character basically tells his ex the same thing. He tells her he cheated on her because when he would lay in bed with her and feel absolute happiness he would panic and wonder how he would deal with losing her. He sabotaged his perfectly healthy relationship because he knew that they'd either break up or one of them would die. So what's the point in being happy when it will have to end? And in some sick way, I get that. I feel that way myself.

My mom called me and said her ex husband called and wanted to have lunch and she didn't know what she would do. I asked her if it was worth losing him again for a brief time of happiness with him, and she couldn't answer. Isn't that what it's all about? The question of, is it worth it to stick it out in relationships that are broken or dying if there's a chance that things could get back right again? Or should you just move on and look for something that works. Something that clicks. Do you hope the boy you just met and get butterflies when you think about, that he'll be worth it all one day. Will he be better than something dysfunctional now, could he be functional? Or is he simply a friend, or a transitional period in your life until you find the next boy that gives you butterflies?

Maybe I should learn to be more optimistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Who knows, maybe I give him butterflies too.