...If It Kills Me

I understand the concept that life is just a series of choices that we all make and then have to live with. But I'm having a hard time stopping myself from being regretful of these choices. Massive guilt is not fun and I feel like I've had a lot of it lately.

Wishin' and Hopin'

I finally downloaded an app from the android market so I could blog from my phone! Now I can blog from bed! So there's some new crush material in my life which is fun and makes me giddy. I just need to make sure I have a handle on the whole perspective and practicality of the whole situation

A Girl Could Get Lost

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

The second of my resolutions for this year is to travel as often and as far as I can. I want to get myself out of the comfortable zone of my hometown (and by extension, Sacramento) and really see what there is out there to be worth finding.

Since I was a little girl I've always wanted to travel to Europe. Spain, England, Ireland, France, Scotland, Italy. I find these places beckoning to me and I want to answer their call. I'd also love to travel to New York, Boston, Chicago and back to D.C. at some point. It all seems lofty now, but I figure if I am determined enough I can make sure it happens.

I'm a follower of Jason Mraz's blog and before new years he wrote of how you should put out into the universe what you want for the upcoming year. He suggests that if you want to travel then you should be traveling when the new year begins. I decided that in effort to show the universe just how serious I was, I did just that. Although I didn't travel somewhere new, I made sure we were already on our way when the clock struck 12. It was a wonderful feeling and I felt like this year is going to bring great things to me, if I only open myself up to them.

So here's to new adventures, I hope you come with me for one of them.

Knows This for Sure...

"Most human beings are inescapably alone, and therein lies their tragedy."

I've never been one for relationships. I would say I'm pretty closely guarded when it comes to falling in love with someone or even opening myself up to the possibility. Which is probably strange when thinking of how I am with friends. I love my friends, all of them. I meet someone and make a connection and almost instantly make a little place for them in my heart. Time can pass without seeing one another and it won't matter; I'll still have that space that comes alive when I'm with them. Maybe I am so easy to love my friends to balance my aversion to any sort of romantic love.

I think this aspect of my personality can get me into trouble though. People mistake my friendship love for something more. This coupled with my affectionate behavior and fondness for flirting can make things even more misconstrued. But the truth is that I don't let people get that close because I don't want to be hurt. Don't get me wrong, I get crushes all the time and sometimes I realize that they are more of a friend then someone I would want to love. I've only loved, or at least come close to loving, two people and they both had a lot of similarities. I am determined not to have the same kind of love again. I don't want it and I don't need it.

My father has been a bachelor since my parents divorced 13+ years ago and I don't think that will ever change. He is content in his independence. My mother is quite possibly the exact polar opposite. She has been married 4 times and I'm sure will marry again. She is unhappily codependent.

This mix of mother and father has left me quite fucked up, frankly. I see how hard breakups affect my mother. I hate that she seeks validation from men and gives them way too much power over her. Not feeling worthy, beautiful, smart, interesting, whatever...unless it's seen in the reflection of someone else. I hate that sometimes I get that way when I like a guy. I hate that I become a warped version of myself in order to make someone like "me". But it isn't me, is it? It's this distorted version of me that I want to pass off as something worth wanting.

This may be the worst part of the year to be single and it makes me melancholy when I focus too much on it, so I try and remember why I like being single. I like my independence and I like that I don't have to have the same stupid fight over and over again or feel like I need to see/hear/touch someone in order to keep me sane. All I need is me right now, and that's okay.

Revolutionary Road

I just finished reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. It was heart-breakingly beautiful. I think it's kind of messed my mind up and put me in a melancholy state; but I still highly recommend it.

I wanted to read it before the movie comes out in a couple weeks and I'm glad I did. I always feel like books are the superior counterpart in any book vs. film debate. How can you ever compare a constructed visual with your own imagination? And I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to commit myself to an even sadder version of this story if I saw the movie first.

Yates is amazing in how he describes only what is necessary for the scene without giving you the obvious. I loved it and I can't wait until the movie comes out. I think both Kate & Leo will be brilliant.

Peter Gabriel is Mind Controlling Me

....or at least is song is. I've been listening to a cover of "In Your Eyes" the past few days and yesterday I took them literally. I was feeling awfully claustrophobic and so I listened to wise Peter and got in my car. While in said car, I listened to the song and felt this odd feeling that I had been spoken to by his words. I also realized that I'm terrible at running away, I just ended up going to Sac.

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade,
so soon will burn
without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes the light the heat
in your eyes I am complete
in your eyes I see the doorway
to a thousand churches
in your eyes the resolution
of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes I see the light
and the heat in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light the heat
I see in your eyes love,
I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted
and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working
so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you
to keep me awake and alive
and all my instincts,
they return and the grand facade,
so soon will burn without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes the light the heat
in your eyes I am complete
in your eyes I see the doorway
to a thousand churches
in your eyes the resolution
of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes I see the light
and the heat in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes

Early Resolutions

I have been thinking about New Years resolutions for awhile now, probably over a month. I have about three and I really want to get serious about them. In a few months I will be 24 and I don't think I can justify putting off personal responsibility any longer.

The first goal that my sister and I have resolute-d is to get healthier. She is much closer to this goal than I am...much. But I will work my ass off to catch up to her. This is probably 95% of everyone's New Years Resolution so forgive my unoriginality. We decided to start today and get a head start into the New Year. I'm definitely thankful that I'm not trying to do this alone, it helps to have a partner.

We woke up around 7:30 and did 30-minutes of (not beginner) yoga and then a 30-minute walk around my neighborhood to a park that's practically across the street. Although I feel a bit exerted...or a lot exerted...I also feel really pleased that I did what I said I'd do.

Yes I know it was one day of activity but I would rather look at it as 1 less day of inactivity and that is progress, however slow. I'm definitely learning to accept that I'm a work in progress which is a hard lesson to accept.

Passing Time

I haven't done one productive thing today. Not one. But I did have a 2 hour lunch and I'm now blogging. And after all this, how is it that I'm absolutely exhausted?

So Cold...Can't Go On

The heater is broken all over campus today so I am being forced to work in ridiculously cold conditions. I can't feel my fingers.

Two Can Keep a Secret If One of Them is Dead

I got exciting news and I've been put under lock and key for about a week now. All I can say that it sucks. I am awful at keeping exciting news to myself and I've wanted to tell people, really I have. I can't wait until I can discuss it freely, until then I will keep my mouth shut.