Knows This for Sure...

"Most human beings are inescapably alone, and therein lies their tragedy."

I've never been one for relationships. I would say I'm pretty closely guarded when it comes to falling in love with someone or even opening myself up to the possibility. Which is probably strange when thinking of how I am with friends. I love my friends, all of them. I meet someone and make a connection and almost instantly make a little place for them in my heart. Time can pass without seeing one another and it won't matter; I'll still have that space that comes alive when I'm with them. Maybe I am so easy to love my friends to balance my aversion to any sort of romantic love.

I think this aspect of my personality can get me into trouble though. People mistake my friendship love for something more. This coupled with my affectionate behavior and fondness for flirting can make things even more misconstrued. But the truth is that I don't let people get that close because I don't want to be hurt. Don't get me wrong, I get crushes all the time and sometimes I realize that they are more of a friend then someone I would want to love. I've only loved, or at least come close to loving, two people and they both had a lot of similarities. I am determined not to have the same kind of love again. I don't want it and I don't need it.

My father has been a bachelor since my parents divorced 13+ years ago and I don't think that will ever change. He is content in his independence. My mother is quite possibly the exact polar opposite. She has been married 4 times and I'm sure will marry again. She is unhappily codependent.

This mix of mother and father has left me quite fucked up, frankly. I see how hard breakups affect my mother. I hate that she seeks validation from men and gives them way too much power over her. Not feeling worthy, beautiful, smart, interesting, whatever...unless it's seen in the reflection of someone else. I hate that sometimes I get that way when I like a guy. I hate that I become a warped version of myself in order to make someone like "me". But it isn't me, is it? It's this distorted version of me that I want to pass off as something worth wanting.

This may be the worst part of the year to be single and it makes me melancholy when I focus too much on it, so I try and remember why I like being single. I like my independence and I like that I don't have to have the same stupid fight over and over again or feel like I need to see/hear/touch someone in order to keep me sane. All I need is me right now, and that's okay.