She Would Even Miss You if You Taught Her Sight

I like being social. Making new friends, getting to get to know someone from the start and whatnot. With changing jobs and going to the improv shows on Friday I feel like this bombardment of new people. Learning new names, new tidbits of information to keep in my head and remember the next time we see each other. It's been fun. I feel like I hadn't met a lot of new people in the past two years. I stayed at the same job with mostly the same people. I still have my core group of friends from high school. Not a lot of branching, that's all I'm saying.

Now that I work for a college, I've decided to take advantage of free classes and I've signed up for two. I chose both online courses as the thought of working from 9-6 and then staying an extra 3+ hours seems like the worse idea. Who knows though, I may change my mind next semester.

I'm taking a class on books that were adapted for movies. I'm excited as a lot of my favorite books have been made into movies. Which I will admit kind of irks me. I hate telling people that one of my favorite books is for instance, "House of Sand and Fog" and have them say, "Oh, like the movie?". No not like the movie, like the book, that was later turned into a movie. Although sometimes I will read the book after seeing a movie if I liked it enough. I digress. I have to reread Atonement, which was one of the saddest books I've ever read, so that should be fun. And Joy Luck Club! I have loved this movie since I was little and I've actually owned the book for awhile but never read it because I know how emotional it's going to be. But I guess I'll be delving in soon. The other class is a screen writing class. That'll be challenging. I've always been secretly interested in writing my own screenplay, but I'm completely intimidated by it.

I hope I haven't taken on too much. Working full time then two classes that apparently require at least 18+ hours a week. When do I get to sleep?

Oh I Wish I Could Live That Now

"My days are filled with mistakes
Some that I didn't make
I carry them around
Some people don't feel a thing
Some kind of blissful dream
Wish I could live that now

10,000 stones are hanging
deep in my heart
no I don't know how they
don't tear me apart

I've seen a lot in my life
When everything was crashing
I know that you got your plans
But I was only asking
I was never asking for"

How can not being honest with you be so much easier than being honest? Just a small taste of what I've been feeling, now all I feel is guilty.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~Pablo Neruda

Say Something Funny, Say Something Sweet...

Have you ever had a problem controlling the words coming out of your mouth? I find that too often I say something and immediately regret it. Not that I didn't mean it, but I know that I probably shouldn't have said it. Too honest, at least my own view of honesty. And then there are those times that my insides are screaming what I SHOULD say, what would be warranted to say. But I sit there, silent. I think I regret more the things I don't say more than the stuff I shouldn't have said.

I'm thankful for a lot of things, some materialistic, some unneccessary, some ridiculous and some irreplaceable. Some are new things in my life, new people more specifically. I'm thankful for the time I get to spend in your presence, it's doing wonders for me if you didn't know.

Details in the Fabric

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same

Haven't posted for almost 6 months. It's not that I've had nothing to say. I've started quite a few blog entries, only to close them out before posting them. I feel like my thoughts are jumbled, an incoherent mess. I can definitely say there are new things going on now since 6 months ago.

I left my last job, which was the best decision for me. I miss some of the people but I really do love my job now. Sure there are days when it's slow and I wish I had more to do, but they keep saying, "wait until summer's over, you'll be so busy. enjoy your time now" which both scares and excites me. I definitely look forward to that crazy busy stress high that I haven't had for a while.

The family could be better. I feel like everyone's struggling right now and I can't fix it and that's hard to accept. I worry about my mom and if she's okay, and I hate that she's sad. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with her sadness when I have my own.

I've been going to improv shows every week for the last month. It's been good to just have a couple hours of laughter in my life where I'm not worrying, overthinking, stressing, etc. It also makes me miss performing a hell of a lot.

I feel like there's more I want to say but I'm not ready. I started a blogspot journal but haven't posted anything yet, it's elaeuphoria.blogspot.com. It's the same user name as my live journal account as well. So that's it, hopefully I'll get better at posting more than bi-annually!

Dark...You Can't Come Soon Enough For Me

"I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark."

I've been feeling sad lately. Really sad. Which is weird because most people feel happier when Spring starts and sad when Winter starts but I seem to feel the opposite. Spring break is coming and I should be excited to see my friends, but seeing them for a short time just reminds me about how much I miss them when they are gone. I feel so isolated and lonely, you'd think I was the one away from home.

Sometimes I have this deep sense that I have absolutely no control over anything in my life. Of course when I'm not in these moods I know that this sounds utterly ridiculous, but being in those periods makes me crazy. It's when I do stupid things and all my self-harming behaviors come up. Is this a pattern I'm going to have the rest of my life?

You'd think that with the self-awareness about my issues I'd be able to overcome them. It's exhausting overthinking so much. I need to take a leap of faith and take a chance on a new experience. I'm frustrated that I'm turning 23 next month and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. For now I'm just wandering in the dark.

I Was Over the Ground That You’ve Been Spinning

So I flew from San Francisco Thursday morning to DC. I was a wreck on my first flight...constantly paranoid that it would be crashing on some island that was full of mysteries and men named Jack and Sawyer. A silver lining to crashing I suppose. :) It was actually quite beautiful as I was taking off the sun was just starting to rise over the Pacific Ocean. My seat was next to the wings and I kept staring at them figuring I'd be channeling William Shatner at some point. The first flight was long and crowded and I realized that I'm as claustraphobic as I've feared.

My connection was in Chicago. I couldn't find my terminal and I didn't want to ask anyone because the security check person and the flight attendant from my first flight were rather rude, but the lady that I asked was nice and helpful and gave me a free tin of life saver smarties which was nice. It was about 1:20 (or 11:20 PST) and my plane was starting to board. I get to my seat, happy that I have the row to myself and was anxious to get going. Then the captain comes on and says there's a "maintenance issue" and it would be 20-30 minutes before we take off. So I call my mom and in the middle of our conversation the captain comes on again to tell us that "what started out as a small problem is now a big problem and everyone has to get off the plane so they can recaliberize the plane because it was leaking". so fuck me that sounded bad and not helping making me feel more secure about this whole flying business. But I hadn't eaten in the 10 hours that I had been up so it was nice to get something to eat and just relax for 45 minutes. We finally got back on the plane and the second flight wasn't too bad. I will say that I HATE landing. The descent is fine but the minute the plane hits the ground it feels like crashing. But the coolest part is that the sun was setting on DC as we landed so I really felt like a perfect ending to my flying experience.

So I land and find Megan (including a running to eachother dramatic filled reunion) and we hop in a cab for her apartment. Meet all her roomies and a couple boyfriends and get settled in. We then get dressed up for dinner. We got reservations at this authentic Greek place. It was nice, the food was delicious and we headed back.

Yesterday we started our day by taking the metro and walking along and seeing a few places. I saw the Washington Monument from a far, the Smithsonian Castle, the Air and Space Museum and the Capitol. We then went back and got ready to go out again (after watching a few eps of The Office). Meg wanted to check out this Rouge Lounge...we checked the website and it seemed pretty cool. So it's like a 2 minute walk away and when we get there they tell us they are renovating the lounge and lead us to this makeshift 'lounge'...and I use the word lounge loosely...very loosely. It was a room no bigger than a living room with about 4 tables and a low buffet style table with a bar setup. The music was low and everything felt like an awkward and creepy house party where they charge you $14 for alcohol.

So we ran out of there and went to Nag which is next door to Megs place. The food was pretty good though I wasn't really that hungry, but the drinks were great. I had some pear champagne rum thing that was great and the strongest mojito in the world. So I'm kind of a lightweight drinker and was a little tipsy at that point. But when we got back to the room, her roomates were playing a drinking game and we joined them. I ended up having lots more vodka and then we decided to go to this bar/club place around 1. It was pretty cool and it was fun dancing drunk with a bunch of people. Around 2:30 we left the bar and went to get food. Empanadas are AMAZING at 3:00 in the morning lol. Then it was watching The Office until 4 and finally heading to bed.

So that's it so far pretty much. Loving it and the weather is great. I already know I'm going to be sad to leave so I'm not thinking of that now. More to come!!

It's like finding out your favorite love song was written about a sandwhich...

I feel so jaded lately. When I hear people tell me about relationship problems I have to stop myself from just blurting out, "It probably won't work out, don't waste your time!" Romance is dead! That's just how I feel right now. People either stay together because of convienence or fear of being alone.

Anyway, my life feels so out of place right now. Like I haven't found my groove. It's painfully obvious I'm not feeling very fulfilled in my life currently, but I can't figure out what I want. I have this huge fear of starting a life path and realizing at some point that I've made this huge mistake and regret it. So instead I make no live changing decision. I was taking Interior Design classes but when I got a third of the way through it I realized that I didn't feel as interested as I once had with the concept. I'm not sure if it's something I can see myself doing in the long term.

I'd love to either write or become an Event Planner. I enjoy writing but I feel like I'd have to have a Masters to ever get a good job within the field. But since I have to work full time it would probably take me 7 years or more, at that rate I might as well become the next Meredith Grey, with less angst and more McDreamy.

My current job is so back and forth. One day I feel happy to be here and of the possibility of growing into a really great position here. The next day the fire a friend of mine and lie about it and make me want to resort to physical violence against my co-workers. I feel so stressed out lately I feel like I may vomit. Lovely, right?

So I fill my weekends thinking of my friends far far away and watch WAY to many OCs to kind of numb myself. It's a great distraction but it makes me feel like I have this empty cup and I don't know what I want to put in it. Coffee, soda, water, pink lemonade...what wil it be today?

MACalicious Def

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE YOU

1. never figuring myself out
2. that i'm going to push people away because i'm scared
3. anything that could be described as 'creepy' or 'crawly' (spiders, rats, snakes, bugs)
4. people i love dying
5. never learning how to be happy
6. being by myself
7. that i'm not as good of a person as I should be

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR ROOM

1. my kitty cat Zoey
2. my eeyore
3. my crazy comfy bed
4. my accessories & clothes
5. all my dvds/cds
6. All the important letters i should take care of but ignore
7. My books

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU

1. I put more make up on when i feel bad
2. I lie a lot (mostly to myself)
3. I don't try because I assume I'll fail
4. I regret a lot of things I've done
5. When I'm really upset I'll cut or dye my hair
6. I dance and sing A LOT when I'm home alone
7. I rather stay home and read a good book than go out

SEVEN THINGS YOU WISH TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Get something from Tiffany's
2. Get my 'dream job' once I figure out what that is
3. Take a trip to Europe
4. Find someone who loves me unconditionally
5. Love myself
6. Bungee jump
7. Kiss Tony Lucca/Ryan Gosling/Patrick Dempsey/John Krasinski

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO

1. I can listen
2. I can make people laugh
3. I can give good massages
4. I can cook
5. I can sing pretty well
6. I can put on make up
7. I can give good hugs

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T DO

1. I can't do a cart wheel
2. I can't not speak my mind
3. I can't remember everything
4. I can't figure out my future
5. I can't stay patient
6. I can't tell someone I like them (thanks, Annie lol...)
7. I can't do my hair

SEVEN THINGS ON SOMEONE THAT CATCH YOUR ATTENTION

1. Eyes
2. Laugh
3. Shoulders
4. Smile
5. Accessories
6. Shoes
7. Walk

SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST

1. OMG
2. Shut Up
3. Fuck
4. Hmmph
5. I know, right!?
6. Seriously
7. Ridiculously

SEVEN CELEBRITY CRUSHES

1. Tony Lucca
2. John Krasinski
3. Ryan Gosling
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Milo Ventimiglia
6. Josh Holloway
7. Katherine Hiegl