Ela is going down the rabbit hole...

Word

2010-02-04T17:27:00.000-08:00

A great set is just as unimportant as a bad set. When you wake up the next day you're still a comedian, the world's still turning, and you've still got work to do.
-Patton Oswalt, GQ Interview

I'm With CoCo

2010-01-25T16:30:00.000-08:00

“All I ask is one thing, particularly of young people that watch. Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. It’s my least favorite quality. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen.”
-Conan O'Brien 1-22-10

Day Zero Project

2010-01-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

I had been considering making my own list a dayzeroproject.com for awhile, but in typical Micaela fashion, I procrastinated. Maybe I should have put that on my list, but I didn't. Anyway, for those unfamiliar, Day Zero Project is a site where you can make a list of 101 goals for 1001 days. I like the thought of giving myself more than a year to accomplish goals and had a harder time coming up with 101, but I'm happy with the results.

If you're interested in making your own, or just seeing mine, you can go here:
ElaEuphoria's List

1) Build a snowman

2) Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day

3) Attend a roller-derby match

4) Go vegetarian for a month

5) Send a secret to PostSecret

6) Watch 26 movies I've never seen starting with each letter of the Alphabet

7) plant a tree

8) Put away $25 for every goal completed

9) get a new tattoo

10) Publish a novel

11) Attend a Murder Mystery

12) Join a book club

13) Go to New York City

14) Go see an opera

15) Take a cooking class.

16) Make pasta from scratch

17) Send Christmas cards

18) Make bread from scratch

19) Attend a Convention

20) Write all my bad memories on paper, burn this paper afterwards

21)Watch 10 movie "classics" I haven't seen before

22) Host a board game night

23) Grow my hair out

24) Plant a garden

25) Take a writing class

26) Visit Australia

27) Sky dive.

28) do a pub crawl

29) Volunteer.

30) Have dinner by candlelight

31) Use last minute deals to take a weekend/short vacation

32) Take at least 5 photos a day for a month

33) Take more pictures.

34) Learn how to play an instrument.

35) Get more organized

36) Write a love letter

37) Read 10 Classic Books

38) have a photo shoot

39) don't talk for a whole day

40) Send someone flowers for no reason

41) research my family tree

42) Go see a movie by myself

43) Go to an observatory

44) Pay off my credit cards.

45) Exercise at least 3 times a week for a month

46) Visit the Winchester Mystery House

47) Own something from Tiffany's

48) Visit Spain.

49) Attend a music festival.

50) Make tiramisu

51) Perform poetry at an open mic

52) Blog more.

53) Live in the moment

54) Go back to Europe.

55) Learn to say no and not feel guilty.

56) Tell people I love them more often.

57) Move to Sacramento.

58) Get paid to do stand-up!

59) Get on a mainstage show at SCS.

60) Take more classes at UCB.

61) Spend more time with my nieces.

62) Get comfortable in my own skin.

63) Be less self-critical.

64) Get healthy, at whatever size that may be.

65) Finally learn French.

66) Learn a craft.

67) Complete a script.

68) Find a new signature scent.

69) See more of the US.

70) Take a trip without any plans.

71) Wear red lipstick for a week.

72) Realize my strengths.

73) Realize my weaknesses.

74) Spend a day with out any electronics.

75) Get over past pains.

76) Keep a savings account

77) Do theater again.

78) Wear a dress every day for a week.

79) Reconnect with old friends.

80) Audition for American Idol

81) Make cupcakes from scratch.

82) Celebrate a year anniversary.

83) Enter a trivia bee

84) Try a new recipe every month.

85) Throw a fancy dinner party for my friends.

86) Submit a piece to a magazine

87) Plan a Girl's Weekend/Spa trip with friends

88) Create an Etsy Store with things I made

89) Write my friends hand-written letters accentuating their positives

90) Go sleeveless in public

91) Go to a winery in Napa Valley

92) Create a tradition with each of my family members

93) Perform stand-up in a new city

94) Apply for my dream jobs, even if I have no shot

95) Buy a Polaroid camera and take lots of pictures!

96) Try out for The Amazing Race

97) Improve posture.

98) Put myself first.

99) Love the me now while working on the me I want to be

100) By a bold item of clothing or accessory and ROCK IT!

101) Say 'yes' to more opportunities!

Out On Your Corner in the Pouring Rain

2010-01-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

Last entry was about my first Improv 2 class and tonight is my first rehearsal for the Harold team I got on. It's so exciting and I'm so happy to get to do improv with everyone and get to perform weekly soon.

Improv 2...I will Conquer You

2009-11-10T12:04:00.000-08:00

I had my first Improv 2 class last night...finally. Though I've been so stressed and distracted lately I definitely felt WAY too much in my head during the class. I'm beating myself up about it now and trying to find the lessons in my mistakes and then let go my frustrations before my next class. I love improv and I can't wait to get more comfortable with it.

Odd October

2009-11-10T12:00:00.001-08:00

October was a surprise. I had liked Nick for a while but was having a hard time getting to find time to talk to him (though I tried...hard). I found him to be cute and funny and all I wanted was to get to know him better. Our first date was so random and spontaneous and I'm happy it happened that way.

I feel like we're a bit on fast forward and now we're trying to slow things down to a more realistic pace. He's such a fantastic addition to my life and I just need to learn how to balance and appreciate when we get together and not worry so much about the times we can't be together. For two comedians, we sure do have a lot of serious stuff we talk about. I'm looking forward to relaxing and just seeing how things play out. I already like him a hell of a lot and I can't wait to see where things go.

September Seems Fleeting

2009-11-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

September was a blur. A blur of me applying for jobs I didn't want and then waiting to hear if I would be reinstated. It was weeks of what ifs and this could be if this and this and this happens. It seemed damn near impossible but I got my job back. I was happy to go back to the PDC. I was happy to get to work with Jenn. I was happy to have this weird alternative job that speaks to my strengths and lets me get to work in new media. But it also meant putting my plans for moving to Sac (or possibly LA) on hold. And now I'm in limbo.

August Rush

2009-11-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

How is it that I have neglected this blog for so long that I've skipped over some of the most amazing adventures I've had thus far. It's funny that my last post was about the small steps of independence I made by just the gesture of sitting at a restaurant waiting for my mother. Shortly after (3 weeks to be exact) I was fresh off of being laid off and decided to take a chance on an opportunity.

I went to LA for two weeks and took the Improv 101 class at UCB. I had toyed with the idea of doing improv for the last year and a half but was too scared to even try it here in Sac. It took me a year of seeing ACL shows to start going to the open classes and all I wanted was to get better and better. I think the turning point was taking Joel Spence's class. I was WAY out of my league and so frustrated with myself. After the class I broke down and realized that I wanted it more than I was even aware of myself. I knew then that I wanted to get serious and try and get to be the best I could and I needed to do the intensive class in order to get myself ready to take Improv 2 at SCS.

It was two weeks filled with so many new things for me. Driving down the long trip by myself was exhilarating. I felt like I sat on the edge of excitement/fear/anticipation the entire time I was there. I got to wake up, go to class, see shows every night. I made friends that I hope to last me a lifetime, learn things that will help me in this journey of comedy that I want more than anything.

I took the negative parts of losing my job and saw an opportunity to do something for myself that I've always wanted but didn't think was possible. I have no doubt that going was the best decision I've ever made for myself and I can't wait to go back and take 201. I fell in love with that life and with LA.

Miss Independent

2009-08-02T09:33:00.001-07:00

I've never been good at doing things by myself. Just the thought of going to the movies or eating a restaurant alone was enough to make me panic.In the last few months I have been able to branch out a bit. I tend to go to Saturday comedy shows alone but since I know pretty much everyone there, it's hard to really consider that to be a solo venture.But here I sit by myself, waiting for my mom to arrive for breakfast. It has only be about 20 minutes and she'll be here any second, but in the mean time I'm doing okay. And that is a new and exciting feeling, even if it's not much.

More Than This

2009-06-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

I feel conflicted in how I wish to deal with you and your behavior. Part of me wants to confront you and let you know that you have hurt me and I don't deserve it, the other part of me doesn't wish to give you the satisfaction of knowing you got to me. I have so much other stuff going on right now, I don't even want to deal with this at all. I guess life doesn't care what you have time for.

London Calling

2009-05-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

So we were in London from May 6-May 12th, so I'm combining them all into one post (excluding Paris)

5/6
We leave Liverpool, sad to have not gotten more time there, and head off to London (FINALLY). I was happy to be taking my last train ride. The journey isn't bad, but the carrying of a 50 lb. bag, a carry-on bag that's about 25 lb and a purse was really freaking stupid of me and driving me crazy at this point. We got to London late afternoon but we were so tired from the travel that the first night we pretty much just stayed in. We had dinner at the very nice (and expensive) restaurant in the hotel and then turned in early.

5/7
We headed off to try and catch the changing of the guard at the palace. We were told to go around 10 and we thought that would be fine because we had made appointments for massages, but not until 12. So we go there and wait and wait and find out it doesn't start until then, so we saw the first few minutes and then had to run off. Oh well, the palace was beautiful and I almost saw one of the guards slip, which was pretty funny. I got a hot stone massage which was amazing and I must get another soon. We then went to Baker street to see Sherlock Holme's place, check out a rock & roll memorabilia store and had some authentic London food. We also did the double-decker bus tour around London, which was a cool way to see everything around the city. That night we headed over to see Les Miserables and it was so great. It was beautifully acted and the set was fucking awesome! Seriously impressed. It was also really sad but I think I was the only one crying during it. It had that stereotypical the-English-don't-cry feel to it. But I loved it and was depressed at the same time lol.

5/8
PARIS...see other post!

5/9
I was still kind of sick from Friday, so today was super low key. I slept in while my dad ran around looking for alcoholic presents for our friends/family. We saw Wicked around the corner from my hotel that afternoon and it was probably the most amazing theater experience I've had. It was Elphaba's last day of performances and Kerry Ellis is extremely gifted. I feel lucky to have seen her. She was the first Brit to play Elphaba there (Idina Menzel went over there to do it first) and she had performed on Broadway in NY for awhile then came back to do a run of shows in London and I'm so happy I got to see her. I don't think I've ever cried so much during a show. Every song made me cry, loved it. I could've seen it again 2 hours later. Afterwards, we just went back to the hotel and I watched Britain's Got Talent and went to bed early in attempt to get better!

5/10
Sunday we decided to do some shopping. I still had a lot of people left to shop for so we headed out after a late breakfast. First, I wanted to buy something at this store, Evans, which was really cool. I found a lot of cute stuff and really digged the style there. We then headed to the original Hard Rock. We had lunch first, and I have to say our "American meal" was probably the worst of the trip. But our waiter was actually originally from Sacramento and was a delight, loved him! We then did the Hard Rock tour and bought some gifts there. The rest of the day we just did some more shopping and headed back to the hotel. Nothing terribly interesting.

5/11
This was our last day so we had a lot to cover. We headed to St. Paul's Cathedral, which was beautiful and i'm still irked I wasn't allowed to take any pictures. The only weird thing was when I went into the catacombs I started having panic attacks and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe I was having a blonde moment or something, but it seriously took a good 10 minutes for me to realize I was walking over fucking graves. No wonder I was feeling dizzy, heart racing, a little shaky. I'm super sensitive to spirits, which I'm sure people find ridiculous, but it's true. I have a hard time going past graves, hospitals, old folks homes, anywhere people have died or are buried. I can sense it and it freaks me out. So we high tailed it out there and went over to a whisky shop. It's a whisky we had in Edinburgh and thought we could get anywhere, but apparently it's not that easy. So we had to search online for London distributors and headed over to pick up a couple bottles. So yummy, it's Columbia Cream, which is cream, honey and scotch. Love it. We then headed over to a part of London that's a little more punk. It was awesome. I wish we would have had more time to spend there and shop. They have this huge flea market section and I bought some cute clothes for some friends and then we headed over to get our tattoos.

I love tats and my dad was actually going to get one, which was a big deal. But he wanted me to get the same because it was very symbolic to him. We're both oxes in Chinese astrology and he wanted the Chinese symbol for the ox because this trip really fell in line with the start of the 'year of the ox'. I never wanted a chinese symbol tattoo but I was willing to do it for my dad because he gave me this trip and it was my gift back to him. Apparently my body didn't agree because it rejected the ink! I actually have to get it touched up in a couple places and the healing was awful.

Later that night we headed over to see Spring Awakening. Fantastic! I can't wait to see it again.

The next day we left and had to spend hours at the airport, in customs, etc. And then there was the 11 hour flight back. But all in all, I was happy to be home but happier to have had such a fantastic experience. I can't wait to go back.

J'ai Deux Amours

2009-05-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Paris! I actually went to Paris! I've wanted to go since I was very young, it came on from my love of Madeline and Edith Piaf. I've had Eiffel Tower keepsakes, loved my French CDs, French movies, etc. I didn't know Paris was on the itinerary until about a month before we went. My dad planned it as a surprise for me.

The day we were to leave though I got sick, so that was a bummer, but I wouldn't let that stop my fun! We took the Chunnel, which is this underground train that goes under the English Channel. Which was much scarier in theory than it actually was. The train was lovely and the service perfect. They served delicious coffee with french bread and it was a great journey.

We get to the station in Paris and I'm already overwhelmed by the fact that I really should've attempted to learn more French. After being accosted by Bosnian girls who wanted money and paying $2 to pee (!), we taxied over to Notre Dame. Our time was very limited, we had only about 8 hours total in Paris so we taxied everywhere and didn't get to go inside any monuments. Notre Dame was gorgeous and VERY busy unfortunately. We then spent the next hour trying to find a place that was serving lunch but ended up having to wait until 12. Luckily, my pitiful knowledge of French came in handy. And I would just like to point out that the French were VERY nice to us, never rude at all. We were offered help many times and thankful for it.

We walked for awhile and then taxied the rest of the way to L'Arc de Triumphe which was beautiful. We found a great restaurant to have lunch and watched as way too many tourists passed us. It was a little annoying that there were so many people there I have to say. After we went to L'Eiffel Tower and it was beyond what I expected in person. It was huge and beautiful and it was great just to be there. There are four entrances to go up the tower and each must have had 100+ people waiting to go inside so we had to skip going up. But we got some souveniers and then sat in the park looking at it for awhile.

The only other thing I wanted to do in Paris was shop! I wanted to go to Chanel & Christian Louboutin and get some yummy treats too! I stupidly didn't like write down addresses of these places before I got there, I blame my illness that day. So anyway, we're looking in our info books and see a lot of high-end shopping happens around a statue of Madeleine so we decided to try over there. I must say as well, that Paris is fucking gorgeous. London & Edinburgh has great architecture too, but Paris trumped them. I would need a week just to enjoy the sights properly. Anyway, we are a block from Madeleine and I see Chanel, so of course I shout, "STOP THE CAR, I SEE CHANEL!" because I'm a dork lol.

So I get out and literally run across the street to the Chanel store. We go in and I'm looking for my purse. It's a purse that I've wanted for over 3 years that I fell in love with and I couldn't wait to see in person. So I'm scouring the store and can't find it. There's one that's close but it has these gold chunky handles, and it's not my style at all. I love Chanel, but some of their stuff is way too gaudy for my taste. So I'm about to give up and I decide to ask a sales lady there if there's anything that's not out on display. And first she says "no, that's everything" but then says, "well what is it that you're looking for?". So I describe the purse and she tells me to hold on and then pulls out a card key from her pocket and opens up this mirrored wall (seriously) and goes inside and then back out with a box and pulls out MY PURSE! I don't think I could explain my elation by just seeing it in person lol. I then go to it and start looking it over and notice the price tag and my heart drops. It's about twice as much as I was expecting and really can't afford to get it. My dad asks how much and I tell him that it's okay, at least I got to see it. And he tells me no, he's getting it for me. Now I didn't even know he was going to do this, I expected to buy it myself. It was so sweet of him and I get even begin to explain how happy I was when he told me that he was going to get me this purse. I know it probably sounds stupid or frivalous, but I love purses and this is my dream purse. It be like a sports fan wanting a signed Joe Montana jersey. Or some other good analogy there.
(Le purse!)

We had asked the nice Chanel people were Louboutin was and we just happened to be around the corner from the original store. So we went over and I spent the next 2 hours trying on shoes, which does wonders for your mood I must say. I settled on a pair of both hot & practical black open-toed shoes which I purchased myself and is now the most expensive item I have ever bought! But I love them and their unusually comfortable & easy to walk in. We then headed back to Madeleine square and went to Fauchon which is this store that has everything from wine, to meets, cheeses, fresh bread and cookies & pastries. We bought wine, some sourdough bread, cookies for coffee & eclairs for later. I wish they shipped in the US it was so yummy.

After that we sat outside and had some coffee and watched people walk by. It was a great end to our whirl-wind trip but I got to see/do/get everything I wanted and was content in leaving. Of course I'd love to really get to see everything someday, but I was satisfied and know that next time I go I'll need 4 times the amount of money I think I'll need cause it's so freaking expensive there. But we left for London soon thereafter and it really was a fantastic day. I can't wait to go back and see everything at night!

One is the Lonliest Number...

2009-05-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

We're in Liverpool for just one day and I'm kind of bummed about that. Liverpool has been fantastic, starting with the room. It's enormous, and even has a large piano in it! If only it was in tune so I could play the couple of things I know lol. There's also a large bathtub that I enjoyed taking a bath in. It's such a contrast from the hotel in Glasgow (Crapcow I like to say).

We left Glasgow as early as possible today and took our train to Liverpool. Which after a quick change, wasn't too difficult. It's a little overcast here, but I'm still loving the weather. After dropping off our luggage we headed out. I saw that we happen to be here the week of the 'Liverpool Comedy Festival' which is fantastic timing! Here I thought I'd have 2 weeks without any comedy and was very sad. There were a few options, one being this comic that was not only cute but had some good reviews posted, a girl comic which I was interested in checking out, and then a local stand-up competition for amateurs which seemed fun too.

We first walked over to see if there were still tix for the cute guy, obvs that was my first choice lol. Unfortunately he canceled his show (lame), so we walked down to where all the Beatles stuff would be. It was fun just walking through Liverpool, everyone was friendly and the stores were cool. We got to the street where the Cavern Bar is and decided we had to eat something since we (mostly my dad) were cranky and he told me to, "just pick something". And I randomly (I swear) picked a French restaurant, Cafe Pierre. It was amazing. The best food we had the whole trip and everything inside was styled like you were in France and Edith Piaf was playing, I was in heaven. We had a 3-course meal and even though it's all we ate all day, it's all we needed to eat. Ridiculously awesome.

We then checked out all the Beatles stuff. We spent way too much money on merchandise and pictures of everything. It's a small area but had a great vibe. There were also street performers around and they were so good I could have sat and listened for hours. But alas, we kept walking over to wear the stand-up competition was going to be held and decided to get tickets. We went back to the hotel to relax until the show.

It was at a club called, The Rawhide, and it's this underground club and was a pretty cool space. The bartenders had no idea how to make a lemon drop though which was disappointing. The competition was fun, I think there were 8 comics (maybe more?). The girl I liked best didn't win, but the girl who won was cool. There was another woman who was terrible and talked about her mom and masturbation. No I'm serious.

Of course we get picked on by the host, which was actually fine. He mostly talked to my dad. But he was funny (and cute) and we had a great time. Afterwards we passed a karaoke club and decided to stop in and I got to sing the last song of the night before we headed back to the hotel room. All in all, I loved Liverpool and I'd love to go back. Great nightlife, and it was only Tuesday!

Then Again Maybe Not

2009-05-04T02:27:00.000-07:00

Part of the reason my dad wanted to come to Scotland was to go visit 3 distilleries on the Island of Islay. So we left Edinburgh for Glasgow in order to fly from the smallest airport I have ever seen. We got there and had to follow a series of hallways down to this small room where the gate was. So we go to board the plane and the thing is small. I'm talking 2 seats on one side and 1 seat on the other. As if I wasn't scared enough of flying already, now I'm in this tiny plane that looks like it could blow away in the wind. Then they tell us that the weather has made us unable to fly out. Since we've got to Scotland, the weather has been great. Sunny, very little clouds and just sprinklings of rain. But today it was grey skies and gloomy weather all around. And I gather it was even worse on Islay so they delayed us for about 20 minutes. After that, they said the weather had gotten worse and to exit the plane and they'd have more information around 11am.

Around 9:30 we saw on the board that the more information time had moved to 1:40. Well, we only intended on staying on Islay from about 10am to 6pm so at this time, there wasn't really any point to try and fly out. More info at 1:40 means that we wouldn't even begin boarding at the earliest till then. That would put us onto Islay at 3:30 at the earliest. So we sadly left and came back to the hotel. Glasgow has definitely been a bust.

However, we did book 2 more plays to see in London, Les Mis & Spring Awakening. I can't wait for that! Some good news after a bleak couple of days.

...I Need You So Much Closer...

2009-05-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Glasgow,

Please stop sucking.

Love,

Micaela

***

Perhaps I'm being unfair to Glasgow, but after two days in Edinburgh I've really found Glasgow to be a disappointment. Edinburgh had history and beautiful buildings and delicious food and wonderful shopping. Glasgow is, in my opinion, the Fresno of Scotland. Bleh. I'm glad we'll be in Islay drinking tomorrow and then off to Liverpool after that. I think walking 3 miles down Slauchiehall St. has burned me out on this town super fast. I did enjoy seeing the Dali painting at the museum though.

Today we got here by train and then walked far down the street looking for a place to eat after checking out the museum. Apparently nothing is open on Sundays so we took a taxi to the restaurant we were going to have dinner at that was recommended to me and opted to have lunch instead. It was called Butterfly and Pig and was very adorable. Total hole in the wall with mismatched plates and cups and really good food. According to our cabbie, Snow Patrol went there a month ago. So I'm officially as hip as Snow Patrol. How exciting.

For dinner I saw a restaurant called The Goat, so of COURSE I wanted to go there. Best name ever. It was a cute cafe/bar and had good food. I tried Haggis as I promised I would. Though I had the Haggis stuffed portobello with goat cheese, not exactly traditional. It was....well it was. And I tried it and that's what mattered lol. The chips and cappacinnos were awesome, so high point! we left shortly before some bands described as 'folk/pop/psychadelic' started. I think that may have been the best choice lol.

But let's back up and end on a happy note. I got here in one piece (yay!) and even though the thought having to take a plane for another 10+ hour stretch in 10 days seems impossible, it could have been worse I suppose. I'm not a good flyer, and tomorrow will be taking a plane twice in one day in order to visit 3 whisky distilleries. I am not looking forward to this, but it is my penance to pay in order to get my day in Paris Friday. I shall endure.

Now Edinburgh, so fantastic! I fell in love with the whole ambiance and style of everyone and the beauty of the buildings and great mix of small shops and high-end restaurants. My kind of place. I bought some beautiful cashmere scarves, tasted 5 kinds of whisky in a day, had the most adorable waiter named Hamish (means adorable in Scottish, or James, I forget which) and toured a real castle!

Edinburgh Castle was gorgeous and definitely worth the ridiculous hike up stairs/a steep hill that I'm surprised I didn't die after. But damn Edinburgh spoiled me so and I'm now bored on a Sunday night in Glasgow.

Well, not to worry, my journey is only starting and I'm sure this is the last of me being bored! Much love.

What Wasted Unconditional Love

2009-05-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

Different country, same boy. Will I ever learn? It's as if I thought an accent would make someone a better person. He's just like every guy I've tried to give my heart too, only I was foolish to think this would ever turn out to be a good idea. I am officially an idiot.

...If It Kills Me

2009-03-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I understand the concept that life is just a series of choices that we all make and then have to live with. But I'm having a hard time stopping myself from being regretful of these choices. Massive guilt is not fun and I feel like I've had a lot of it lately.

Wishin' and Hopin'

2009-01-22T21:49:00.001-08:00

I finally downloaded an app from the android market so I could blog from my phone! Now I can blog from bed! So there's some new crush material in my life which is fun and makes me giddy. I just need to make sure I have a handle on the whole perspective and practicality of the whole situation

A Girl Could Get Lost

2009-01-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

The second of my resolutions for this year is to travel as often and as far as I can. I want to get myself out of the comfortable zone of my hometown (and by extension, Sacramento) and really see what there is out there to be worth finding.

Since I was a little girl I've always wanted to travel to Europe. Spain, England, Ireland, France, Scotland, Italy. I find these places beckoning to me and I want to answer their call. I'd also love to travel to New York, Boston, Chicago and back to D.C. at some point. It all seems lofty now, but I figure if I am determined enough I can make sure it happens.

I'm a follower of Jason Mraz's blog and before new years he wrote of how you should put out into the universe what you want for the upcoming year. He suggests that if you want to travel then you should be traveling when the new year begins. I decided that in effort to show the universe just how serious I was, I did just that. Although I didn't travel somewhere new, I made sure we were already on our way when the clock struck 12. It was a wonderful feeling and I felt like this year is going to bring great things to me, if I only open myself up to them.

So here's to new adventures, I hope you come with me for one of them.

Knows This for Sure...

2009-01-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

"Most human beings are inescapably alone, and therein lies their tragedy."

I've never been one for relationships. I would say I'm pretty closely guarded when it comes to falling in love with someone or even opening myself up to the possibility. Which is probably strange when thinking of how I am with friends. I love my friends, all of them. I meet someone and make a connection and almost instantly make a little place for them in my heart. Time can pass without seeing one another and it won't matter; I'll still have that space that comes alive when I'm with them. Maybe I am so easy to love my friends to balance my aversion to any sort of romantic love.

I think this aspect of my personality can get me into trouble though. People mistake my friendship love for something more. This coupled with my affectionate behavior and fondness for flirting can make things even more misconstrued. But the truth is that I don't let people get that close because I don't want to be hurt. Don't get me wrong, I get crushes all the time and sometimes I realize that they are more of a friend then someone I would want to love. I've only loved, or at least come close to loving, two people and they both had a lot of similarities. I am determined not to have the same kind of love again. I don't want it and I don't need it.

My father has been a bachelor since my parents divorced 13+ years ago and I don't think that will ever change. He is content in his independence. My mother is quite possibly the exact polar opposite. She has been married 4 times and I'm sure will marry again. She is unhappily codependent.

This mix of mother and father has left me quite fucked up, frankly. I see how hard breakups affect my mother. I hate that she seeks validation from men and gives them way too much power over her. Not feeling worthy, beautiful, smart, interesting, whatever...unless it's seen in the reflection of someone else. I hate that sometimes I get that way when I like a guy. I hate that I become a warped version of myself in order to make someone like "me". But it isn't me, is it? It's this distorted version of me that I want to pass off as something worth wanting.

This may be the worst part of the year to be single and it makes me melancholy when I focus too much on it, so I try and remember why I like being single. I like my independence and I like that I don't have to have the same stupid fight over and over again or feel like I need to see/hear/touch someone in order to keep me sane. All I need is me right now, and that's okay.

Revolutionary Road

2009-01-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. It was heart-breakingly beautiful. I think it's kind of messed my mind up and put me in a melancholy state; but I still highly recommend it.

I wanted to read it before the movie comes out in a couple weeks and I'm glad I did. I always feel like books are the superior counterpart in any book vs. film debate. How can you ever compare a constructed visual with your own imagination? And I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to commit myself to an even sadder version of this story if I saw the movie first.

Yates is amazing in how he describes only what is necessary for the scene without giving you the obvious. I loved it and I can't wait until the movie comes out. I think both Kate & Leo will be brilliant.

Peter Gabriel is Mind Controlling Me

2008-12-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

....or at least is song is. I've been listening to a cover of "In Your Eyes" the past few days and yesterday I took them literally. I was feeling awfully claustrophobic and so I listened to wise Peter and got in my car. While in said car, I listened to the song and felt this odd feeling that I had been spoken to by his words. I also realized that I'm terrible at running away, I just ended up going to Sac.

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade,
so soon will burn
without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes the light the heat
in your eyes I am complete
in your eyes I see the doorway
to a thousand churches
in your eyes the resolution
of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes I see the light
and the heat in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light the heat
I see in your eyes love,
I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted
and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working
so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you
to keep me awake and alive
and all my instincts,
they return and the grand facade,
so soon will burn without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes the light the heat
in your eyes I am complete
in your eyes I see the doorway
to a thousand churches
in your eyes the resolution
of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes I see the light
and the heat in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes

Early Resolutions

2008-12-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about New Years resolutions for awhile now, probably over a month. I have about three and I really want to get serious about them. In a few months I will be 24 and I don't think I can justify putting off personal responsibility any longer.

The first goal that my sister and I have resolute-d is to get healthier. She is much closer to this goal than I am...much. But I will work my ass off to catch up to her. This is probably 95% of everyone's New Years Resolution so forgive my unoriginality. We decided to start today and get a head start into the New Year. I'm definitely thankful that I'm not trying to do this alone, it helps to have a partner.

We woke up around 7:30 and did 30-minutes of (not beginner) yoga and then a 30-minute walk around my neighborhood to a park that's practically across the street. Although I feel a bit exerted...or a lot exerted...I also feel really pleased that I did what I said I'd do.

Yes I know it was one day of activity but I would rather look at it as 1 less day of inactivity and that is progress, however slow. I'm definitely learning to accept that I'm a work in progress which is a hard lesson to accept.

Passing Time

2008-12-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't done one productive thing today. Not one. But I did have a 2 hour lunch and I'm now blogging. And after all this, how is it that I'm absolutely exhausted?

So Cold...Can't Go On

2008-12-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

The heater is broken all over campus today so I am being forced to work in ridiculously cold conditions. I can't feel my fingers.

Two Can Keep a Secret If One of Them is Dead

2008-12-17T17:17:00.000-08:00

I got exciting news and I've been put under lock and key for about a week now. All I can say that it sucks. I am awful at keeping exciting news to myself and I've wanted to tell people, really I have. I can't wait until I can discuss it freely, until then I will keep my mouth shut.

Gravity

2008-12-17T17:16:00.000-08:00

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

My Christmas Buys

2008-12-11T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have just begun getting Christmas gifts for friends. I love giving presents to other people, seriously I do. I get a lot of joy from finding something that they'll love and seeing a happy reaction to something I carefully chose for them is very rewarding.

However, I also love giving myself stuff. I have already bought myself 2 eye shadows & eye shadow brush set from MAC & a smudge pot in black from Sephora totaling over $100. I have pretty much spent almost as much (if not more) on myself as on my friends. I'm worried how this will end up. I hope for all of your's sake that I buy your gifts before I run out of money buying stuff for myself. No promises!

Oh If You Seek Amy

2008-12-11T15:11:00.001-08:00

I did a handwriting analysis for funsies and I am shocked...SHOCKED...at how accurate it is. So here for your reading pleasure are my results. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post such dangerous information but decided maybe it can be some excellent insight for you about myself. Enjoy!

Welcome Micaela Smith, here is your handwriting analysis.

Micaela is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

Micaela will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Micaela an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Micaela is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Micaela is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Micaela doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

When Micaela expresses an opinion on a issue she will stick to that opinion, and probably will not change her mind. In other words... Micaela is stubborn. When she is wrong about something that she has decided upon, she will have trouble admitting she is wrong. Changing Micaela's mind can be very difficult. Once Micaela makes up her mind, she doesn't want to be confused with the facts!

Micaela is secretive. She has secrets which she does not wish to share with others. She intentionally conceals things about herself. She has a private side that she intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in her past.

According to the inputted data, Micaela has a stinger shape inside the oval of her a, d, or c. This might be hard to visualize, but if this little hooklike shape is present, then Micaela has an unresolved "issue" with strong members of the opposite gender. An occasional appearance of this stroke could indicate a simple "loves a mental challenge" which can manifest in playful linguistic conversations and being attracted to a lover who isn't always available. However, if the stroke is severe, this means the individual has unresolved anger at the oppostive gender - which usually started with the person's childhood relationship with the opposite gender parent (Mom or Dad). If the writer is a woman she will be attracted to strong challenging men. If the writer is a man, he will find the woman who is "hard to get" the most attractive. In a nutshell, people with stingers in their writing tend to have challenges in their romantic relationships.

Micaela has an over-awareness of self. She often feels self-conscious. She fears ridicule, therefore she is careful not to place herself in a position to receive any ridicule. She wonders what people will think if she acts in a certain manner. When encountering a new group of people, Micaela may stay on the sidelines until she has the people categorized, or she may behave in a "positive attention getting" manner to assure people think good thoughts about her from the start.

In the sales profession, this self-consciousness is called "call reluctance". They take the word "no" as a personal criticism. Therefore, there is an internal struggle when performing this type of work. Although this person may be a great salesperson, she still feels insecurity. She will perform better if someone else is with her because the fear of ridicule from her peers is far greater than the fear of ridicule from her clients. Many times this type of person becomes a sales trainer, because when she is training, she doesn't have to put herself in a position of being told "no" as often as the salesmen do.

In reference to Micaela's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Micaela slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Micaela can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Micaela is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Micaela basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Micaela is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Micaela has a tendency to put things off, Micaela procrastinates. She sometimes pretends to be busy, so she will not have to do whatever she is putting off. She is often late to appointments or deadlines. This usually leads to a great amount of effort at the last minute to meet the deadline. Procrastination is an important factor as it relates to her output on the job or at school. Remember, Micaela will put it off until later. Procrastination is easily overcome through a simple stroke adjustment in the handwriting.

Micaela has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

MAC Addict

2008-12-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

I just placed a $100 order on Mac for myself and I should be ashamed! It's Christmas and I'm being selfish but I just couldn't help myself! I want this brush set and I know no one will be buying it for me so I bought it myself. I'd feel more guilty if my giddiness wasn't so overwhelming.

Shaken & Stirred

2008-12-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

There are two sets of doors to get into my office with a small space between them that I can see from my desk. Often people will be looking for the Admissions office and walk in here for some direction. And sometimes people will peer into my office and see it's a computer lab set up and realize they are in the wrong place without bothering/interrupting/inconveniencing...err asking me where they should be. This is such a common occurrence that I don't think much of it.

However, I am almost convinced my ex just peered into my office and was one of the ones that didn't feel the need to ask where the Admissions office or wherever may be. Now I can't be sure...it happened so fast I could be mistaken. And I haven't seen him in over a year (!) so maybe he just looked similar? I'm thankful I have a large computer screen I can hide behind...and hide I did! I'm just a bit shaken up from it, I never thought I'd see him again.

A Mad & Faithful Telling

2008-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

So I got tix to see Devotchka in Reno for January 29th yesterday and was very excited. They're interesting and I think they'll be amazing live. It's for a Thursday night but my work is so flexible I didn't even think to get the days off before buying the tix. And when given the option of getting ticket insurance for a meager $6 more I skipped it because I didn't think it would be necessary.

Then I get to work this morning and boss tells me to start working on an event for January 30th! I had planned on asking for that day off so that we could stay the night and gamble a bit. And I'd need to leave early on the 29th to get there in time for the show but now I won't be able to. I'll need to be getting things ready the 29th and I'll have to be here for the 30th. I'm really disappointed but I feel as this is a lesson in patience for me. Oh well, can't do much about it now.

2008-12-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like I did so much this weekend it's no wonder I'm still tired. Friday I spent in Sacramento of course. Highlight...a creepy crow and the man who killed (maybe? allegedly?) the pear girl.

Saturday morning I couldn't resist heading over to Beers and seeing what books they have. Do I need a book to read? No, no I don't. I have way more than anyone can read at a time. But did I buy a book, oh yes...yes I did. I'm currently reading The Watchmen and as soon as I've finished I don't know what I want to read next. But at least I have choices. I love reading and it's not like I buy them and never read them. It's just an investment in future entertainment. As further proof of my reading addiction here is my nightstand.

Festival of Trees

2008-12-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

Megan, her mom (my godmother) Heidi, and I went to the Festival of Trees in Lodi today! I felt a bit as if I had walked into an episode of Gilmore Girls but I had a lot of fun. It was ridiculous cold though. We tried some Russian tea, which is basically warm Tang and way too sweet and walked around and saw everything and did some shopping.

I'm a sucker for homemade soap and I got a few that smell amazing. There was also this button enthusiast who actually has a button lovers club and makes jewelery out of buttons. She went on and on about buttons and I politely listened. I ended up getting this button from the 1920's that was made into a ring. I'm a sucker for the style of that period and the ring is very unique.

We also made our own dip candles which was fun! I worked really hard at dipping it so that it was perfect but when the lady mounted my candle (that's what she said) onto the wood she kind effed it up. Oh well. We then decorated it with pine cones, fake berries, etc. with surprisingly strong Elmer's glue. I like how mine turned out, even if it's a bit crooked.

Gingerbread Architecture

2008-12-06T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today I was supposed to go to a hockey game but it didn't work out so Megan came over and we went out. During dinner we decided it would be fun to watch Elf and make a gingerbread house.

So we headed over to Cost Plus and let me tell you, I love that store. I think we spent close to an hour wandering around in there. But we found lots of things we would want for Christmas and I found the perfect reading chair. I've wanted a reading chair for my room for probably two years now. I like reading in my room but reading in bed messes up my sleep patterns and doesn't help my insomnia. I'm thinking if I had a comfy chair to read in that would be great. It's only $300! Ya, I don't think I'll be getting it this Christmas but whatever.

So we got back to my house and watched Elf (I forgot how much I like this movie) and constructed a cute gingerbread house. And what it lacks in finesse we made up for with love! However, I ended up with frosting everywhere...on my arms, on my phone and on my forehead. Really not sure how that happened.

But look how great it turned out! It's too cute to eat so it will be the start of my Christmas decorations. I can't wait to get a tree!

Daydreamer

2008-12-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

You know what I love about this time of year? I love how it's cold and I get to wear heavy jackets, scarves, knit hats, gloves...the possibilities are endless. I love that it rains and the air gets thick with fog. I love hot chocolate with marshmallows and driving up to the snow. I love Christmas music and Christmas socks. I love getting to spend time with my friends and family and I REALLY love that I'll have two weeks off this year. I definitely love working at a school. I haven't had a proper Christmas vacation since graduating from high school five years ago.

I look forward to making memories on some adventures soon. I rather not plan too hard but I want to go to the snow, Disneyland, LA, San Francisco and lots of time in Sacramento. It will be great.

However, I do not like the crowds of people driving their cars around me or the ridiculous amount of people in stores these days with pissy attitudes. I went to Best Buy yesterday to get Britney's CD (go get it...now. No seriously.) and I didn't even think about the fact that there would be a longer line then say a week ago. It took me over 20 minutes to wait to pay for my one item, but I tried to be positive. Although I did whine a bit, at least I'm trying to keep positive. It's the season for giving not grinching! I know that if someone was buying me a gift (and I will not stop you if that is something you'd like to do!) I know that I would want the experience while obtaining said gift to be good. I don't want a bad-karma gift. So please do your part and enjoy shopping. Giving shouldn't be an obligation...ever.

Devil Town

2008-11-24T17:56:00.001-08:00

The end of the second ep of Friday Night Lights features a song by Tony Lucca...I literally stopped breathing for a second when the song started. I'm aware that's crazy.

Just Like a Circus

2008-11-24T16:59:00.000-08:00

I'm previewing Britney's new album, Circus, before it's released December 2nd. I'm probably way more excited about this than a 23 year-old woman should be. Whatever, love her and it's great so far!

Sunday Pedi Sunday

2008-11-23T14:13:00.000-08:00

I am writing this while getting a pedicure. I can't think of anything better than having someone make my toes and feet pretty for me so I am free to do important things like this on my phone.

As a side note, driving in dense fog is horrible. It was so bad last night I broke at one point because the mass of white in front of me looked solid. I would liken it to Lost's black smoke monster's white cousin.

Oh and if anyone saw today's breast with larvae on Post Secret this morning are you as disturbed as I am?

What I Want vs. What I Need

2008-11-21T09:49:00.001-08:00

So Christmas is coming (!) and although there isn't much I actually need, of course there is an array of things I want. So if you are curious to know (and why wouldn't you be), I have compiled a list of my wants...so far. Expect an addendum.

First up...

This tote bag. It is beyond adorable and I can't stop thinking about it. It is from modcloth.com and retails for $58.

Second...

It's a makeup palette from sephora.com and retails for $48 but is a $320 value. Omg you guys, that is amazing! I dream of all the fun times I can have with this in my life.

Third...

An iPod nano in super cute hot pink. What could be cuter?? it's from applestore.com for $149.

Fourth...

Rachael Yamagata's new CD. It's like $13.99 at any CD store. Great deal guys.

So that's it for now. This is definitely not all inclusive, just what I've got so far!

This plan of mine is oh so very lame...can't you see the grass is greener where it rains?

2008-11-19T16:10:00.000-08:00

I have way too much free time and yet I feel like I don't get anything accomplished. Too much time to think and over think things. I like to fill this time with mindless entertainment and brief day dreams of all the places I want to visit. I'm feeling claustrophobic and I need to break out and have some adventures. If not now, when??

Domestic Dreaming

2008-11-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling ridiculously domestic lately and I've been wanting to bake. Like fancy fancy stuff. I've been wanting to do specialty cookies, bars and candies for gifts for Christmas for a few years but I think I'm actually going to do it this year. I need to start practicing though so let me know if you want to be a taste tester for me!

Sunday Morning Thoughts

2008-11-16T11:42:00.001-08:00

"Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now"

Just when I thought I knew how things work it changes. Expectations are overrated.

Seeing past what you see.
You think you know me but you don't.
It is below the surface where I come alive.
It's time to dig deeper.

Ela from Concentrate

2008-11-13T16:37:00.000-08:00

I cannot concentrate on shit lately. I have too many thoughts and I cannot sort them out. It's driving me insane. I am supposed to have twenty fucking pages written on a script by tomorrow and I haven't even finished the concept and I have no idea what I'm going to do. But I keep procrastinating. Hate this, I just want to clear my mind.

Hey You

2008-11-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met someone and realized later that you met them at the wrong time in your life? That things could be different if you had met them earlier/later/whatever. I feel like I've met someone too late. He's already in a relationship but I can't stop myself from feeling smitten. It may be the most un-gratifying feeling.

The Election

2008-11-05T16:27:00.000-08:00

This election has been quite emotional for me. I am filled with such pride for my country today, something I definitely haven't felt in the last 8 years. To see Obama win with such an overwhelming amount, inspiring my generation to get out there and vote and winning even the majority of the popular vote. I have nothing but respect and admiration for him. I welled up watching him speak last night. I'm excited for the next four years with him as my President and I'm filled with hope for the future.

I know this means positive things for the country in terms of energy, health care, the economy and diplomacy. Seeing the photos of countries around the world celebrating last night made me truly believe that our country can return to the policies and practices that have made us an ally to the world and a respected nation. I look forward to the end of preemptive attacks for false reasons, to the end of an administration using fear tactics to scare me into giving up freedoms or rights of myself or others.

Speaking of which, it's disheartening that Proposition 8 has passed. I suppose I was naive to think that hate and discrimination is reserved for 'red states' or a generation that is not my own. But hate is taught and bred and exists everywhere still. I hope to look back on Prop 8 years from now as a stepping stone to equal rights for all; but until then I only see it as a reminder of how far we have yet to go.

Love is love and there's no way someone can put fear into my heart to feel otherwise. Here's to the future...I am hopeful for the changes that we can create. Yes we could, yes we did.

Letters from Micaela-Halloween Edition

2008-10-31T13:23:00.000-07:00

Dear girls who think ‘slutty’ qualifies as a Halloween costume,

Yes, Halloween lets you be as openly slutty as you want and you can just pass it off as your ‘costume’. Slutty nurse, slutty flight attendant, slutty cop, etc. But let’s be honest here girls. Those of you whom are dressed as slutty versions of otherwise wholesome occupations aren’t really stretching the imagination now are you? I get it; you want guys to become instantly aroused by the sight of your partially dressed bodies. But come on ladies, there are less trashy ways of letting guys know you are easy. And with guys it’s not that difficult to get that point across. So maybe you can work on subtlety or more creative costume ideas next year.

Dear undecided voter,

Seriously? Undecided…seriously? How is this possible with the election just a few days away? Obama and McCain couldn’t be more different from each other. And if you can’t see that, maybe it’s better if you just stay home this time.

p.s.

Hey Joe (or should I say Samuel?) the ‘plumber’,
I hear you want to write a book and maybe go into politics. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that you may write a book or that people may actually buy it. Yes you’ve had a great ride as a campaign prop for the Repubs but you didn’t even show up at McCain’s rally yesterday. You don’t seem to be doing a lot of plumbing these days, how do you ever expect to make over $250,000 plumbing this way?

Dear Britney Spears,

You’re doing a great job, keep up the progress!

Dear MAC Cosmetic girls who answer the phone,

Stop being bitches. Seriously. I pay way too much for your merchandise, the last thing I need is your lip. Benefit is right next to you and they are much friendlier. I’m just saying.

Dear Saturday Night Live,

I’m crushed that Amy Poehler is not returning to SNL, she was always hilarious and great on Weekend Update. Yes Seth Meyers can handle it on his own but hopefully they’ll give him another co-anchor soon. But here’s the deal, you’re now down to only two women on the show. I know it’s always been a fucked up ratio of men to women on SNL but it’s now 8-2. Come on! With Tina Fey, Julia Louis Dreyfus, Molly Shannon and Amy’s sitcom to start early next year, it’s clear that the women of SNL are dominating comedies on TV these days. Why not get moving on finding some more? There needs to be some balance.

p.s.

Please start being funnier more often. After Tuesday there won’t be any need for Tina to come back and do Palin and then what will you have?

p.p.s.

Andy Samberg you’re on notice. Start making better digital shorts. I understand not everything can be a ‘Dick in a Box’ or ‘Lazy Sunday’ but stop phoning some of these in.

p.p.p.s.

Have Britney host when her CD comes out. Even the naysayers have to admit her two times hosting were hilarious. All that MMC breeding did well for her and she’s the come back of the year. Don’t be dicks.

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

2008-10-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangcock to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

2008-09-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

"If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here
If I was all the colors I would paint you pretty in gold in a picture"

I'm starting to feel like life is about luck. It's not fair or reasonable. There is a myriad of events that connect in the most absurd way. I feel more lost and chaotic when I try and figure why things happen. So is denial better? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of worrying about my family and friends. Not because it's burdensome but because I feel like they don't deserve it, this bad luck of theirs. I wish I could love enough, be strong enough, be practical enough, successful enough, selfless enough for both of us. But I can merely be here to listen and give you what I have though it may not be enough or even much it all.

0% Interest

2008-09-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

Our friends on the front porch, well they're telling jokes and they swing swiftly towards happier times
Expending lines and finding more energy for the effort and getting distance from that front porch spotlight
But us we found peace in shadows, long enough to see the monsters rise
Candy's got some space to fill in her daydream living high on yesterday's lies
Talking to me about some 0% interest and, how she got a better deal than the next guy

And the way the lightning shocked us when we were lost and we were looking
Down that long Missouri highway your hair was longer then and now I can remember
Say now I remember oh so well

Oh the roads unencumbered by cats they're burning like wet matches through my miracle mile mind
You left your thumb print inside me now for months it seems but mine only brushes your soft surface
And somehow
Somehow it leaves me listless, my tongue curls under my lips oh oh yes
So I can't speak to tell you of the months before I met you

And the way, oh the truth it locked us
Oh right about the time after the lightning shocked us
When we were young, when we were young and missing
Round that small New England byway our lives they were sheltered then and now I can remember
Say now well I remember oh so well, almost too well

Well its not even being about that anymore I gotta get you down
Those tiny fragments of perfection they please me in a time
Unchanged when its not the same beginning or along awaited end...
If I knew all the words I would write myself out of here
If I was all the colors I would paint you pretty in gold in a picture, so I'm told little sister
So now I'm sold little sister
Why don't you tell me about the sunsets in Sweden and the laws of Eden
And how you were the rock of Gibraltar, and how they called you foxy

Well that's another whole box of pandora's, that's another whole box of them ties
Slide your foot off the gas before we crash right back into the median
Right back into the median, the median lo-oh
It separates, our house from the middle of the street...
It separates our house from the middle of the street

Talking about our house

Is on the front porch telling jokes and they swing swiftly towards happier times
Expending lines and finding more energy for the effort and getting distance from that front porch
Spotlight
But us we found peace in shadows long enough to see a monster die.
We all need to find a little space in our daydreams long enough and just so long.
Long enough, just as long, just so long as its long enough is it long enough?
Is it long enough for me? Long enough for me to chew on.
If it isn't... if it isn't .. if it ain't if it don't if it can't then it wont.
And that's just the way that it goes.

If All is Grounded You Should Go Make a Mountain Out of It

2008-09-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

I saw a psychic on Saturday. She was good. I was skeptical but she said too much, knew too much. She wasn't right about a couple things, but what she knew was just eerie. She told me that my heart was empty. Which although true made me sad and how pointedly she said it. And then she started discussing a man from my past and how I started talking to him again. I thought she was talking about Dan and I told her that even though we go through the whole talking, not talking thing, I hadn't spoke to him in over a month. She gave me this skeptical look and said, "Are you sure you haven't been texting him?" and I said no, but she didn't believe me. So she told me if he called me in the next two days to not answer, not see him. At least for the next two days. She said he was going to contact me and try and come back again in my life. So I said okay, not really thinking it was true.

She also said there's been a separation from a female friend. To which I told her that there hasn't been any falling out. She said, "that doesn't mean you're not growing apart or that your relationship is not what it used to be". Which makes me sad because I feel like that's true. I don't want to grow apart. She also asked me why I didn't move or apply for a job that I wanted. I knew exactly what she meant. There was this job in LA working as an assistant for a designer or something, I forget all the details now. But I thought about applying. I looked at a lot of jobs in LA for awhile before I got this job at Delta. I dreamed of moving down there and starting over and taking a big chance. But I didn't do it, I was too scared. She said I'm stuck. That I go do my job but it's not what I want to do long term and I need to take a chance. Blah, I hypervenilate a bit when I think about it. I wish I was braver. She knew a few other things too, it was an incredible experience really. To have a stranger tell you what you've tried to ignore.

Oh, the best part is this, when I was driving home Andy texted me. He and I haven't seen each other in over 2 years. We always try and make plans, but never see each other. We go through phases where we IM and text and then nothing for awhile and repeat this pattern. We've been talking the past month again. Anyway, he texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to have coffee the next day. I said yes and couldn't believe we were finally going to see each other after so long. We chatted a bit more and it's when he said, "I'm stepping up to the plate here and trying to make an effort to make this work" that I realized, she wasn't talking about Dan she was talking about Andy. I couldn't believe it. I told him that I couldn't see him, I just realized she was talking about him and not Dan. He understood but told me that he has been planning on meditating and cutting off social contact until after his birthday November 10th and that Sunday was his last day he could see me. Which means that the 2 days the psychic asked me not to see him would extend another 6 weeks or so.

Have you just ever felt fate fall into place? How the chain of events of me seeing the psychic and her telling me not to see him could change who knows what. I just know that I did the right thing not seeing him. I wonder what would have happened though if I had. What is my alternate course of events I'm preventing?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

2008-09-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

So I googled my name (don't ask) and found this link. People can buy shirts that say 'Micaela is NOT my friend'. So apparently someone with the same name as me (I'm assuming it's not about me!) has pissed someone off so much that they decided to have shirts available for those who hate her. That's kind of intense.

http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/micaela-is-not-my-friend-womens-long-sleeve-dark/132313963

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

2008-09-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

I Heart Ricky Gervais

2008-09-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

http://rickygervais.com/thissideofthetruth.php

Read his blog, do it now.

I am High Fidelity

2008-09-01T10:53:00.000-07:00

"People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands--literally thousands--of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives."

I started reading High Fidelity yesterday. I have less than 50 pages to go. I highly recommend this book, especially to those who use music as a way of gauging your life and a way to express your current state of mind. I watched the movie years ago (I do love John Cusack) and I thought maybe I should read the book. I was surprised to know it's set in England; apart from that, the movie has done it justice actually. The title character, if you haven't seen the movie or read the book, makes compilation tapes whenever some event happens in his life. His girlfriend leaving him, meeting a new woman, whatever. And I realize I do this myself. I have a section of mix CDs that I used to make whenever I had some event happen to me. I have ones that I have made friends, ones that I have made for guys I liked, ones that I made when guys I like didn't like me, or upset me, or I stopped talking to someone, whatever you get the point.

Sometimes I like to pick up say the one I made when I was going to drive for the first time alone from Sacramento to Stockton. It was raining and I was terrified to drive that far by myself in such weather. Now it seems silly, it's a short distance and I made it fine. But I didn't know my way around and it feels like forever ago and not just 5 years. But it's filled with acoustic songs that I still love though haven't listened to in probably 4 1/2 years. I still make mix CDs, and play them over and over again until I make the next.

What really got me with the above paragraph is how close it hits home. I've been often told that I listen to the most depressing music. My mom often asks me why I like to make myself sad. But I don't see it this way. I am attracted to the passion and emotion that these songs possess, so what if they're sad? But has a lifetime of pop music attributed to the way I view relationships? During the past year, whenever I listen to my friends talk about boy or girl troubles, or whatever, I have to preface my advice or my perspective with a warning. I have come to realize that I'm rather jaded. Have events in my past attributed to this? Well of course they have! I've been lied to, cheated on, hurt, rejected, felt unloved, felt invisible...seeing relationships through my mothers eyes has left me convinced that unhealthy relationships are the norm.

But pop music has been my friend. My hope that there are people that love unconditionally and openly and freely. That would love me despite my craziness and jealousy and stubbornness, that would love me because of it on some level. And I embrace the sad songs because it's nice to know that other people hurt too. I cry along to Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah', Ani DiFranco's 'Done Wrong', The Wrecker's 'Cigarettes', Rachael Yamagata's 'Sunday Afternoon' or Kelly Clarkson's 'Sober'. I find it to be cathartic, not depressing. But has it added to me becoming so jaded?

I meet someone and they've sparked an interest in me and I suddenly become two different people. One is hopeful and excited and the other is negative and expects to be rejected. Don't want to get my hopes up because if it doesn't work out, how disappointing will that be? And in High Fidelity, the lead character basically tells his ex the same thing. He tells her he cheated on her because when he would lay in bed with her and feel absolute happiness he would panic and wonder how he would deal with losing her. He sabotaged his perfectly healthy relationship because he knew that they'd either break up or one of them would die. So what's the point in being happy when it will have to end? And in some sick way, I get that. I feel that way myself.

My mom called me and said her ex husband called and wanted to have lunch and she didn't know what she would do. I asked her if it was worth losing him again for a brief time of happiness with him, and she couldn't answer. Isn't that what it's all about? The question of, is it worth it to stick it out in relationships that are broken or dying if there's a chance that things could get back right again? Or should you just move on and look for something that works. Something that clicks. Do you hope the boy you just met and get butterflies when you think about, that he'll be worth it all one day. Will he be better than something dysfunctional now, could he be functional? Or is he simply a friend, or a transitional period in your life until you find the next boy that gives you butterflies?

Maybe I should learn to be more optimistic when it comes to matters of the heart. Who knows, maybe I give him butterflies too.

She Would Even Miss You if You Taught Her Sight

2008-08-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

I like being social. Making new friends, getting to get to know someone from the start and whatnot. With changing jobs and going to the improv shows on Friday I feel like this bombardment of new people. Learning new names, new tidbits of information to keep in my head and remember the next time we see each other. It's been fun. I feel like I hadn't met a lot of new people in the past two years. I stayed at the same job with mostly the same people. I still have my core group of friends from high school. Not a lot of branching, that's all I'm saying.

Now that I work for a college, I've decided to take advantage of free classes and I've signed up for two. I chose both online courses as the thought of working from 9-6 and then staying an extra 3+ hours seems like the worse idea. Who knows though, I may change my mind next semester.

I'm taking a class on books that were adapted for movies. I'm excited as a lot of my favorite books have been made into movies. Which I will admit kind of irks me. I hate telling people that one of my favorite books is for instance, "House of Sand and Fog" and have them say, "Oh, like the movie?". No not like the movie, like the book, that was later turned into a movie. Although sometimes I will read the book after seeing a movie if I liked it enough. I digress. I have to reread Atonement, which was one of the saddest books I've ever read, so that should be fun. And Joy Luck Club! I have loved this movie since I was little and I've actually owned the book for awhile but never read it because I know how emotional it's going to be. But I guess I'll be delving in soon. The other class is a screen writing class. That'll be challenging. I've always been secretly interested in writing my own screenplay, but I'm completely intimidated by it.

I hope I haven't taken on too much. Working full time then two classes that apparently require at least 18+ hours a week. When do I get to sleep?

Oh I Wish I Could Live That Now

2008-08-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

"My days are filled with mistakes
Some that I didn't make
I carry them around
Some people don't feel a thing
Some kind of blissful dream
Wish I could live that now

10,000 stones are hanging
deep in my heart
no I don't know how they
don't tear me apart

I've seen a lot in my life
When everything was crashing
I know that you got your plans
But I was only asking
I was never asking for"

How can not being honest with you be so much easier than being honest? Just a small taste of what I've been feeling, now all I feel is guilty.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

2008-07-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

~Pablo Neruda

Say Something Funny, Say Something Sweet...

2008-07-26T23:47:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a problem controlling the words coming out of your mouth? I find that too often I say something and immediately regret it. Not that I didn't mean it, but I know that I probably shouldn't have said it. Too honest, at least my own view of honesty. And then there are those times that my insides are screaming what I SHOULD say, what would be warranted to say. But I sit there, silent. I think I regret more the things I don't say more than the stuff I shouldn't have said.

I'm thankful for a lot of things, some materialistic, some unneccessary, some ridiculous and some irreplaceable. Some are new things in my life, new people more specifically. I'm thankful for the time I get to spend in your presence, it's doing wonders for me if you didn't know.

Details in the Fabric

2008-07-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same

2008-07-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted for almost 6 months. It's not that I've had nothing to say. I've started quite a few blog entries, only to close them out before posting them. I feel like my thoughts are jumbled, an incoherent mess. I can definitely say there are new things going on now since 6 months ago.

I left my last job, which was the best decision for me. I miss some of the people but I really do love my job now. Sure there are days when it's slow and I wish I had more to do, but they keep saying, "wait until summer's over, you'll be so busy. enjoy your time now" which both scares and excites me. I definitely look forward to that crazy busy stress high that I haven't had for a while.

The family could be better. I feel like everyone's struggling right now and I can't fix it and that's hard to accept. I worry about my mom and if she's okay, and I hate that she's sad. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with her sadness when I have my own.

I've been going to improv shows every week for the last month. It's been good to just have a couple hours of laughter in my life where I'm not worrying, overthinking, stressing, etc. It also makes me miss performing a hell of a lot.

I feel like there's more I want to say but I'm not ready. I started a blogspot journal but haven't posted anything yet, it's elaeuphoria.blogspot.com. It's the same user name as my live journal account as well. So that's it, hopefully I'll get better at posting more than bi-annually!

Dark...You Can't Come Soon Enough For Me

2008-03-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

"I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark, and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark."

I've been feeling sad lately. Really sad. Which is weird because most people feel happier when Spring starts and sad when Winter starts but I seem to feel the opposite. Spring break is coming and I should be excited to see my friends, but seeing them for a short time just reminds me about how much I miss them when they are gone. I feel so isolated and lonely, you'd think I was the one away from home.

Sometimes I have this deep sense that I have absolutely no control over anything in my life. Of course when I'm not in these moods I know that this sounds utterly ridiculous, but being in those periods makes me crazy. It's when I do stupid things and all my self-harming behaviors come up. Is this a pattern I'm going to have the rest of my life?

You'd think that with the self-awareness about my issues I'd be able to overcome them. It's exhausting overthinking so much. I need to take a leap of faith and take a chance on a new experience. I'm frustrated that I'm turning 23 next month and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. For now I'm just wandering in the dark.

I Was Over the Ground That You’ve Been Spinning

2008-02-16T11:04:00.000-08:00

So I flew from San Francisco Thursday morning to DC. I was a wreck on my first flight...constantly paranoid that it would be crashing on some island that was full of mysteries and men named Jack and Sawyer. A silver lining to crashing I suppose. :) It was actually quite beautiful as I was taking off the sun was just starting to rise over the Pacific Ocean. My seat was next to the wings and I kept staring at them figuring I'd be channeling William Shatner at some point. The first flight was long and crowded and I realized that I'm as claustraphobic as I've feared.

My connection was in Chicago. I couldn't find my terminal and I didn't want to ask anyone because the security check person and the flight attendant from my first flight were rather rude, but the lady that I asked was nice and helpful and gave me a free tin of life saver smarties which was nice. It was about 1:20 (or 11:20 PST) and my plane was starting to board. I get to my seat, happy that I have the row to myself and was anxious to get going. Then the captain comes on and says there's a "maintenance issue" and it would be 20-30 minutes before we take off. So I call my mom and in the middle of our conversation the captain comes on again to tell us that "what started out as a small problem is now a big problem and everyone has to get off the plane so they can recaliberize the plane because it was leaking". so fuck me that sounded bad and not helping making me feel more secure about this whole flying business. But I hadn't eaten in the 10 hours that I had been up so it was nice to get something to eat and just relax for 45 minutes. We finally got back on the plane and the second flight wasn't too bad. I will say that I HATE landing. The descent is fine but the minute the plane hits the ground it feels like crashing. But the coolest part is that the sun was setting on DC as we landed so I really felt like a perfect ending to my flying experience.

So I land and find Megan (including a running to eachother dramatic filled reunion) and we hop in a cab for her apartment. Meet all her roomies and a couple boyfriends and get settled in. We then get dressed up for dinner. We got reservations at this authentic Greek place. It was nice, the food was delicious and we headed back.

Yesterday we started our day by taking the metro and walking along and seeing a few places. I saw the Washington Monument from a far, the Smithsonian Castle, the Air and Space Museum and the Capitol. We then went back and got ready to go out again (after watching a few eps of The Office). Meg wanted to check out this Rouge Lounge...we checked the website and it seemed pretty cool. So it's like a 2 minute walk away and when we get there they tell us they are renovating the lounge and lead us to this makeshift 'lounge'...and I use the word lounge loosely...very loosely. It was a room no bigger than a living room with about 4 tables and a low buffet style table with a bar setup. The music was low and everything felt like an awkward and creepy house party where they charge you $14 for alcohol.

So we ran out of there and went to Nag which is next door to Megs place. The food was pretty good though I wasn't really that hungry, but the drinks were great. I had some pear champagne rum thing that was great and the strongest mojito in the world. So I'm kind of a lightweight drinker and was a little tipsy at that point. But when we got back to the room, her roomates were playing a drinking game and we joined them. I ended up having lots more vodka and then we decided to go to this bar/club place around 1. It was pretty cool and it was fun dancing drunk with a bunch of people. Around 2:30 we left the bar and went to get food. Empanadas are AMAZING at 3:00 in the morning lol. Then it was watching The Office until 4 and finally heading to bed.

So that's it so far pretty much. Loving it and the weather is great. I already know I'm going to be sad to leave so I'm not thinking of that now. More to come!!

It's like finding out your favorite love song was written about a sandwhich...

2008-01-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

I feel so jaded lately. When I hear people tell me about relationship problems I have to stop myself from just blurting out, "It probably won't work out, don't waste your time!" Romance is dead! That's just how I feel right now. People either stay together because of convienence or fear of being alone.

Anyway, my life feels so out of place right now. Like I haven't found my groove. It's painfully obvious I'm not feeling very fulfilled in my life currently, but I can't figure out what I want. I have this huge fear of starting a life path and realizing at some point that I've made this huge mistake and regret it. So instead I make no live changing decision. I was taking Interior Design classes but when I got a third of the way through it I realized that I didn't feel as interested as I once had with the concept. I'm not sure if it's something I can see myself doing in the long term.

I'd love to either write or become an Event Planner. I enjoy writing but I feel like I'd have to have a Masters to ever get a good job within the field. But since I have to work full time it would probably take me 7 years or more, at that rate I might as well become the next Meredith Grey, with less angst and more McDreamy.

My current job is so back and forth. One day I feel happy to be here and of the possibility of growing into a really great position here. The next day the fire a friend of mine and lie about it and make me want to resort to physical violence against my co-workers. I feel so stressed out lately I feel like I may vomit. Lovely, right?

So I fill my weekends thinking of my friends far far away and watch WAY to many OCs to kind of numb myself. It's a great distraction but it makes me feel like I have this empty cup and I don't know what I want to put in it. Coffee, soda, water, pink lemonade...what wil it be today?

MACalicious Def

2007-12-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE YOU

1. never figuring myself out
2. that i'm going to push people away because i'm scared
3. anything that could be described as 'creepy' or 'crawly' (spiders, rats, snakes, bugs)
4. people i love dying
5. never learning how to be happy
6. being by myself
7. that i'm not as good of a person as I should be

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR ROOM

1. my kitty cat Zoey
2. my eeyore
3. my crazy comfy bed
4. my accessories & clothes
5. all my dvds/cds
6. All the important letters i should take care of but ignore
7. My books

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOU

1. I put more make up on when i feel bad
2. I lie a lot (mostly to myself)
3. I don't try because I assume I'll fail
4. I regret a lot of things I've done
5. When I'm really upset I'll cut or dye my hair
6. I dance and sing A LOT when I'm home alone
7. I rather stay home and read a good book than go out

SEVEN THINGS YOU WISH TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Get something from Tiffany's
2. Get my 'dream job' once I figure out what that is
3. Take a trip to Europe
4. Find someone who loves me unconditionally
5. Love myself
6. Bungee jump
7. Kiss Tony Lucca/Ryan Gosling/Patrick Dempsey/John Krasinski

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO

1. I can listen
2. I can make people laugh
3. I can give good massages
4. I can cook
5. I can sing pretty well
6. I can put on make up
7. I can give good hugs

SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN'T DO

1. I can't do a cart wheel
2. I can't not speak my mind
3. I can't remember everything
4. I can't figure out my future
5. I can't stay patient
6. I can't tell someone I like them (thanks, Annie lol...)
7. I can't do my hair

SEVEN THINGS ON SOMEONE THAT CATCH YOUR ATTENTION

1. Eyes
2. Laugh
3. Shoulders
4. Smile
5. Accessories
6. Shoes
7. Walk

SEVEN THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST

1. OMG
2. Shut Up
3. Fuck
4. Hmmph
5. I know, right!?
6. Seriously
7. Ridiculously

SEVEN CELEBRITY CRUSHES

1. Tony Lucca
2. John Krasinski
3. Ryan Gosling
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Milo Ventimiglia
6. Josh Holloway
7. Katherine Hiegl

Reject a woman and she will never let it go...

2007-12-04T11:04:00.000-08:00

...One of the many defects of their kind – also, weak arms." Dwight K. Schrute

Yea, I'm feeling that today. Blah...people are so disappointing. I fear that I idealize situations and fantasize such an outcome that it's unrealistic and I'm therefore usually disappointed. I guess I just expect people will react in certain ways, and it's usually never the case. Does that make me stupid or just hopeful? Sometimes I feel like there's not a difference.

Music is amazing, you know? I heard a song that I haven't heard in probably 5, maybe 6 years. I started sobbing...not crying, but sobbing. It brought back all these memories and thoughts that I suppose I've been supressing. Here I've been thinking I've overcome situations and learned and grown. Nope! I've only pushed them away and blocked them from my mind. How does that happen? How does one just completely shut a door on some painful strip of memories to only have the door pop open when you lease expect it? It was so random how I found the song and the minute it started playing, I felt hit with this wave of emotion. Does that sort of level of emotion make someone weak?

I feel out of control. I need to figure stuff out. Make plans or get a fresh start. I don't like where this is all heading. I need to learn to not repeat patterns of self-destruction. If I know someone or something is bad for me and does not make me happy, why would I chose to continue seeking their company or continue the bad habits?

The hardest things to change are the choices we continue to make over and over again. Sometimes I get tired of saying no to the things that I shouldn't want but always do. I have too many bad vices and I need to start being good to myself.

Easier said then done, right? So, my friends...help me. If you see me doing something you know I'll regret, stop me.

And One More Makes Three!

2007-09-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not pregnant, in case that's what you assume after the blog title. But I did get a new tat today, and if you haven't already guessed, yes it's my third one. It didn't hurt to get this one much at all. It was the same guy who did my last one and he's super chill. It's on the left up near my shoulder in the front and we got quite intimate while he tatted me...I felt like I should have kissed him the way he was resting his hands on me lol. But I showed common sense and did not. I put a pic up in my photo album so check it out! It's from one of my fave songs and the flower is based off the front of the CD. I'm glad I got it, I just hope I can cover it up when needed at work! I was close to getting one behind my ear, maybe next time!

I'm Like a Lawyer with the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me + You)

2007-08-30T11:09:00.001-07:00

1. Who was the last person to call you baby?
Megan, we use terms of endearments but are not lovers lol

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Usually, I can't say I ALWAYS do.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
No...I'm feeling very Kelly Clarkson but ya, "never again will I kiss you...never again will I want to" pfft

4. Has someone ever sang a song to you?
No...I've been promised that I would get sung to with no follow through. What's up with that?

5. Do you play Sudoku?
Yes, I went through a phase after Christmas and it got kinda dicey there for a minute so I put I put myself in Sudoku time out

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
If I stumbled into a hotel

7. What did you do today?
Went to work, ran errands for work (Bed, Bath & Beyond, PIP, Floors 2 Go, Starbucks all in 90 minutes-most fun I had all day lol), came home, opened my homework and yes it is still open...I get distracted easily.

8. Are you bored?
Yes, all I can think about is how much I want to play the 'Impossible Quiz' right now.

9. Do you like anyone?
Yes I have a crush right now, wish me luck !

10. Plans for tonight?
Um "doing homework"

11. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
I already told you, homework. Lay off man!

12. What are you doing tomorrow?
Um work again and then going to the Graduate.

13. Do you need anything?
I have everything I need...of course I want stuff

14. Are you tired?
Not really, today was a good day.

15. Who do you trust?
A couple friends and my fam

16. Whos car were you last in?
Mine, before that Joelle's I think

17. Is anything bothering you?
I'm pretty sure there's a tornado brewing. It's too hot and windy, it's a dangerous combination!

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do?
Grab my kittie and my MAC and pants....need to remember the pants.

19. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
Annie...maybe this is why I'm not in a relationship, I just share my bed with females lol.

20. Who do you text the most?
Megan or Annie. I love to text.

21. Who last said they loved you?
my daddy

22. What colors are your eyes?
hazel

23. How tall are you?
5 foot 5

25. Do u like your parents?
Yep, I even love them

26. Do you secretly like someone?
Yes, I think I have a crush-officially.

27. Why did your last relationship end?
Because some people don't know when it's time to grow up and I got FED UP

28. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?
Bella, my niece. LOVE HER!

29. Favorite ex?
N/A hah

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled?
Oregon or Temecula, I need to go somewhere y'all

32. Do you like mustard?
Yes

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I'm a chubby insomniac, you figure it out.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
My mom I guess, I don't have a beard or glasses like my dad lol.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
20 minutes

36. Can you do splits?
Haven't tried in awhile, I am surprisingly flexible.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Super Bad or Knocked Up! AH

39. What did you do for New Year's Eve?
Costume party at my friends house. It was fun, I was the only one drinking though. That was not fun.

40. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
Didn't have any desire to see it.

42. Do you own a camera phone?
Yes

43. Was your mom a cheerleader?
Nope

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
r

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
7

48. Do you like care bears?
Yes I did like them, Hugs and Tugs especially

49. What do you buy at the Movies?
Movie Tix

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes

51. Do you wear your seatbelt?
Of course

52. What do you wear to sleep?
tank top and underwear...that's kind of personal btw

53. Anything big ever happen in your town?
Tony Lucca played, TWICE

54. Is your hair straight or curly?
Wavy/Curly

55. Is your tongue pierced?
It was, alas I miss it sometimes.

56. Do you like Liver and Onions?
No...I do like my liver (still functioning despite massive vodka and aspirin intake) and onions separately.

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny people who know when to be serious. I love to laugh so you better be funny dammit.

59. Ever been to L.A.?
Yes

60. What is on your mind right now?
How do I get past question 82 on that stupid 'Impossible Quiz'?!?

61. Any plans for tonight?
So answered this already

62. What's your favorite song at the moment?
Misery Business by Paramore

63. Do you hate chocolate?
um that's sinful to even ask, blasphemous I say!

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
We bicker, we don't fight.

65. Are you a gullible person?
Sometimes, I like to just say i'm trusting

66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
No, but it's nice to have someone to share happiness with.

67. If you could have any job what would it be?
John Krasinski's assistant, I will go the extra mile John, just call me.

68. Are you easy to get along with?
Yes for the most part. Unless you work at Kinkos.

69. What is your favorite time of day?
Night

70.Are you generally a happy person?
Yes, I think so!

3 Weeks and I'm Still Sober

2007-06-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Le sigh. lol That's the lyrics from Kelly Clarkson's next single, "Sober". Her CD comes out today so go get it! I heard it for the first time yesterday and I got that feeling. You know that feeling? Where you hear a song and just know what they're talking about so much it kind of hurts? Yea. So mine isn't three months, just three weeks but I feel like i'm doing okay. I don't think about him everyday anymore.

We talk sometimes, but when we do he just gets mad at me and says I'm mean now, actually he says I act bitchy now. I found out 3 weeks ago that he has been dating other girls. He rationalized this by saying he never made a committment to me so it shouldn't bother me. Technicalities don't make deception right. I'm hurt, but I feel like I knew it. I knew that I should have ended things forever ago but it was easier not to.

So, I'm doing good and haven't seen him since. I talk to him because I miss him but I won't let myself see him. I know that would be a mistake. So it's getting easier. I've met a few possibilities since then. And even though I'm not pursuing the possibilities, sometimes it's just nice to know they are out there.

So my goal (and with Meg's encouragement) I'm going to break my pattern of falling for the emotionally unavailable assholes and go for a nice guy. My biggest problem as that the last nice guy I met that I thought was going to go somewhere wasn't aggressive enough to make his move. The flirtations are great but I want the next step! So I need to learn to be aggressive for myself or hope that there's a nice guy out there who's willing to make a move.

Annie says I'm boy crazy now, I think i'm just friendly.

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful...

2006-12-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

Sadly a little fog outside does make this California Princess think it renders calling the weather frightful lol. I can't imagine living somewhere that has snow right now. It rains a bit and we all complain. Anyway, I digress.

Haven't posted a blog in awhile and I thought today would be a good day. I woke up at 6 and sat up and watched the light come up outside. It looks kind of beautiful with all the fog. I can't believe it's Christmas again. This year flew by for me. I'm happier then last year, I know that much.

Have you ever made a decision that you knew wasn't right for you? That even though you can pretty much tell what the outcome is going to be, you can't help but continue making the mistake? Maybe the experience will be worth it once it's all over. I keep holding my breath, scared it's going to end so abrubtly that I won't have prepared myself to deal with it.

I hate to quote an Avril Lavigne song, but seriously, why do things have to be so complicated?? Sometimes I just wish that my life had been different. That I could have normal experiences that the majority of girls have. Why is that so much to ask??

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday with the family or friends, or whoever you wish to share this time with. I'm looking forward to seeing my nieces tomorrow, they make me happy just being around them.

Love you all!

p.s. here are my suggestions for you all, if you find yourself doing some personal shopping....

Tony Lucca CD-Canyon Songs (LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT)

The Office Seasons 1 and 2 on DVD

The book Captivating (I just started it, but i love it already)

Au Lait Body Butter (smells great)

Lavender Perfume Oil